Monday, August 29, 2011

Early bedtime

Liam fell asleep on my lap tonight during downstairs snack/story time, our nightly wind down before wash up, teeth, PJs, upstairs story and bed. 

He had a changeable day.  Started off even; went way south when the babysitter arrived at 8:30 and I went upstairs to work (deep sobbing; had to be pried off me), stuck there for a while.  But by 11:00, after checking in with me for a try at the potty, he was even again, "I love you Mommy --sniff-- see you in an hour."  As good as it ever gets. 

He has been struggling so hard lately; I see the worry, I see the fear, I see him trying and then getting lost.  And when you ask him, after a while, he usually can tell you: I'm afraid mommy will never come back; I'm afraid mommy will die; I'm afraid I will die. 

He is trying so mightily to be toilet trained so he can go to preschool; but, is so concerned about the change.  In the very quiet voice "Mommy--it is a new school, I might cry; What if I cry?" Leaving aside that he still cries every single day when I leave him at the "school" where he's been going for over two years.  Regressing.  Calling me mama again for the first time in over a year. 

He will come out of it, of course.  He is learning various tricks to use when his mind and body start to run away from him; just little things he can say in his head to push pause, help him regroup.  And he is getting good at it; buying in.  ("Mommy--I was mistaken, I thought I was too sad to use my trick today, but then I tried and it worked; Mommy? it worked.")  He is so exhausted.

I am that person.  The one he cries, not to leave.  The one he clings to.  The one who, when I sit still enough, lets him know it is safe to fall asleep. 

1 comment:

mekate said...

Sending LOVE to you sweet E.
Remember somehow that this is because you are you, not because you are trying or not trying, doing or not doing, it is because you are being.

Breathe, love, and I am thinking of you.

I am all for ice cream before dinner.