Liam's World

Pizza Friday: Chicken Edition

2012-02-11T07:53:00.000-08:00

The chickens came home last night and were installed in their coop. They are doing well this morning and have been named "Sunny" and "Starry." More and photos later.

The pizza Friday when we got the chickens may be Liam's favorite of all time yet. I have never seen a small person jump up and down so much and for so long.

Climbing

2012-02-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

Hmmm. I put this picture set together back in December, but it got lost. Yesterday's post reminded me.

At glass beach to get to the beach you can jump/scramble down from a fairly low spot or clamber down these rocks. We got on to the beach from the low spot, but Liam wanted to take the rock route out. He was very serious about doing it all by himself. Here is Auntie Chris spotting him and Liam directing here (loudly) "I can do it." He knows where her foot is and he is not taking any of it.

So, up, up he went; it's maybe 30 feet? I don't know, I'm pretty bad at these estimates. Like a lot of little kids I see climbing on stuff, Liam tends to want to hold on with his hands over keeping his weight on his feet. We work on it: "Stand up!" I say, "Stand on your feet." This is the only rock climbing advice I've ever been given in my (very) short climbing career. Good advice under almost any circumstance though, I guess.

Not steep, but there is a little, tiny bit of exposure once you come out near the top; and he did great with it all and was so, so proud when he popped over the rim.

Glass beach & New Shoe Shelf

2012-02-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

When we drove from California to Seattle with Auntie Chris in late December we made it just past Mendocino for the first night and then first thing the next morning (when you travel with a 4 year old, all mornings are early mornings, which is fine with me) we went down the road to glass beach.

The beach is the site of the former Ft. Bragg city landfill. The landfill closed in the late 1960s and since then it's contents has been weathered and worn by the waves and tide. The beach really is covered in weathered, beautiful sea glass. When you first look, it seems like it is pebbles but then you get a little closer or pick up a hand full and it is probably a 40/60 glass to rocks ratio. Amazing.

There are more and better photos here.

We, of course, picked up a little glass. We could not restrain ourselves. Over the past few weeks Auntie Chris has been re-vamping our entry hall catch all table and shoe shelf (we are a shoes off in the house kind of family). She cleaned it up, put in some extra shelves so it will hold more shoes, and painted it the most wonderful, cheerful yellow. The first thing I put on it when we got it back in the house was those little bits of glass from glass beach.

The top of the entry shelf historically has been home to Liam's nature table. I envisioned the nature table as a lovely, serene place were he and I would compose simple and attractive little vignettes out of beautiful things he gathered in the natural world. Liam sees it as a place to dump hand fulls of rocks, shells, acorns, dead leaves, and, I kid you not, the dirt and dead ladybugs that always seem to find a way into his pockets. (Mommy! Look! It's Nature!) So, for now, I am holding off on recreating the nature table and just enjoying our beautiful yellow shelf. . .and our little bits of sea glass from glass beach.

Adventures

2012-02-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

Sigh. I thought I was doing pretty good keeping up with this place, but I seem to have fallen off the wagon. So, here is a workman-like update: since Auntie Chris has been staying with us, we've been going on adventures over the weekends.

First, the Aquarium. We saw fur seals, harbor seals, two kinds of otter (sea and river). Octopus. Touch tank. It's much spiffed up since 20 years ago when I was volunteering and working there summers, thinking I was going to be a marine biologist for reals. Liam loved it and proclaimed it almost as good as "Auntie Chris' aquarium in Monterey."

Next, we went to Mt Rainier to see the snow. All our lowland snow had melted. Of the three people who currently live in this house, one missed it. Acutely.

We mostly saw the snow out the car windows as we drove up, up, up the icy road to Paradise. Once there, one run down the designated sledding hill was enough to help us decide that this type of sledding was too ambitious. So, we played in the snow and then drove down, down, down the icy road to a lower part of the mountain (not as cold, not as windy) were we played in the snow some more, and a very nice man let Liam help him chop snow off a pic-nic table and carry the snow blocks to build a snow/ice wall. Liam thought this was beyond fun.

Can I just say that it is so much easier to face the idea of an outing of any sort, but especially a long-ish one, with another adult on board. Auntie Chris leaves on Monday and I'm already missing her.

And, lately we've been working on the side-yard fence and the. . .wait for it. . .chicken coop. I think we're on track for chickens by next weekend. That's right. It appears I have well and truly said yes to chickens. Stay tuned.

Living With Small Children

2012-01-26T13:56:00.000-08:00

Small children are beautiful, delightful, amazing, funny, sweet and incredibly, unrelentingly demanding and often very frustrating. I've been thinking about what that means in my daily life a lot lately, and how I want to move through the days, structure my time, project myself into it. Seems like many others are too. (Such good company.)

This post was in my reader today, which directed me to this post. And then this post appeared in my reader too.

All of which reminded me of how much I try to come back to this iconic observation -- the days are long the years are short. Which sums it up for me, anyway.

Thank you Internet.

It gets better

2012-01-25T12:56:00.000-08:00

It is looking more and more like Washington State will soon join the ranks of states and tribal nations that recognize gay marriage. Go Washington! It's about time.

If you're uncomfortable with this idea, or scared, or feel like you just don't know who these people are, check out the it gets better project. Scroll through, I bet you find someone who looks just like you.

There are all kinds of families; all kinds of love. Bring it.

Shamelessly inspired by this post here.

Putting away Christmas, finally

2012-01-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

We finally finished putting away Christmas today. After being buried in snow, and then enduring a fairly massive ice storm, and a long-ish power outage, today seems really and truly back to normal. It is raining buckets. Sometimes sleet but mostly rain, rain, rain. And, very occasionally, today, a sun break.

The last bit of Christmas to put away was the lights and garland from the front porch and gate. This is probably the longest they have ever stayed up, I am generally a "Christmas away by new year's eve" person. The tree was out of here on December 27. The Christmas plates went away shortly after, I am always so sorry to see them go. And the garland and lights -- well, first it was so dark and rainy that I just couldn't stand the idea of putting the lights away. Then it was so cold and snowy that I didn't want to be outside climbing on the porch.

Today we jumped out during one of those amazing sun breaks and got it all put away. Done and done. And I just ordered something like these, so in two or three days, I'll have a porch with lights again.

A word about the Christmas plates

2012-01-21T19:42:00.001-08:00

I know it's getting late for this, but these are actually my favorite of our Christmas decorations. I love them more than the tree. They were originally given to my mother by an uncle of hers (he gave sets to her and each of her two sisters) and she added to them to make sure that Auntie Chris and I each have a set. (Both of which live at my house for now.)

I think you can still get some version of them various places, including, of course, here. I like that they have star on the top of the tree instead of a Santa.

We have snow

2012-01-18T22:42:00.000-08:00

We have some snow. About 15 inches at the house, I think, give or take. It mostly fell overnight and is mostly fixing to melt right now. I'm hoping for more like 10 inches in the morning and more like none by Friday; it's supposed to be almost 40 degrees here tomorrow.

Snow is fun until you get too cold; or too wet; or too sick of being inside trying to work with a 4 year old doing Lego projects rated for 6 year olds. (Sample dialogue: "Look at the picture. . .what pieces do we need to make it look like the picture? Okay. . .how do they go together? Do you want to take a break? No? Okay. Let's look at the picture.") Eventually a helicopter and a sea plane were accomplished. And crashed.

We drank hot chocolate. I worked by conference call. We dug out two cars but didn't drive anywhere. Texted back and forth with the vegan who lives in the hills and has lots more snow than us. (Sample: "Hey - what are you doing?" "Sweeping snow off the porch, what are you doing?" "Shoveling snow off the roof." Okay then.) Auntie Chris made dinner.

We walked up the hill to the school to go sledding. When your child gets too cold to put his (wet) mittens back on without crying and you decided it is time to pull him home downhill on the sled, sometimes you have to run to keep up. We have some snow. Lovely.

Live(ish) Video Snow Update

2012-01-16T22:23:00.000-08:00

We are having a "snow event" here. It's exciting. Sort of. If it weren't for all the various forms of road-based travel I'm supposed to engage in this week it would be more fun.

Yesterday was all about kids sledding. Across the street the houses have a short, but pretty good, hill. You can tell when it's okay to go over by listening for kids yelling and laughing. (The house we sled at is about 3 houses away; it is home to another Liam, 4 months younger -- and 4 inches taller -- than my Liam. They go to the same preschool. It's funny at play dates to be calling my child "Liam H." As in, "Boys, keep your hands and bodies to yourselves please; Liam H, I mean you.)

Today was pretty quiet. Tomorrow we will try to have as normal a day as possible. Tomorrow night and Wednesday and Thursday we are, apparently, going to be buried in snow. Cliff Mass, the only weather person I pay any attention to says 11-18 inches on top of what we already have. (I'm a good deal south of Seattle, we tend to get more snow here than in the city.)

It is snowing pretty hard now and we're meant to get about 2 inches over night. (Newsflash: that was just updated to 3-5 inches overnight.) Here's a live(ish) update of the back yard. If while you watch you say out loud whatever hysterical snow survival advice strikes your fancy, you will know what it is like to watch local news in my part of the world. Some of my favorites: "The roads will be slick and icy." "At this point, we are suggesting that everyone who does not have to travel, stay home." "This is a serious weather event; you want to bring your pets indoors." "State patrol asks that you do not leave your car on the side of the freeway." (Okay, that last one was from one of the previous snow events, I think.) In most ways we don't really do snow very well around here; on the other hand, I sort of enjoy the whole: the region will now shut down on threat of winter conditions. Makes for better sledding.

PS -- Auntie Chris talked the Internet-Powers-That-Be into upgrading my internet to much faster, so I was able to upload this video with minimal cursing and anxiety. Thanks Chris!

Auntie Chris' Graduation

2012-01-14T20:22:00.000-08:00


Chris with my parents

Just before Christmas we took a quick trip to California to see Auntie Chris graduate (with distinction, of course). Auntie Chris' new degree is in space systems engineering; which means she knows all about how to make satellites work. (This complements her degree in aero/astero engineering; you know now where the brains in the family went!) After graduation Liam and I drove with her from California back up to Seattle. This went better than one might expect considering that Liam is 4. After staying with us here outside Seattle for a few more weeks, Auntie Chris will move to the DC area and we are so excited to visit her (and Liam's cousin, and the big,big zoo, and my friends from when I worked in DC) later in the year! Congratulations Auntie Chris -- we're so proud of you. Thanks for fixing the computer --again -- and the TV (also again), and for teaching me how to touch up paint the trim without making a mess, and mostly for just being you!

Boat naming outtakes

2012-01-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

At the boat naming Liam was excited to "help" wash the boat and play all around it. In some of these pictures he looks exactly like Will to me.

Boat Naming

2012-01-11T18:30:00.000-08:00

This weekend we went down to the boathouse to be present when one of the boats was renamed in memory of Will. It was lovely, but terribly sad for me. Will and I met rowing and he spent (at least as I knew him) many/most of his happiest and most productive hours coaching for the club.

My parents had won the rights to name this boat by means of a (large, very generous) donation to the club at a fundraising auction that I used to organize every year. They had planned to name it for Will then (he was in chemotherapy at the time and had just shaved his head, I remember it as if it were yesterday), but Will declined since, in his words "I'm not dead yet." So, now it's done.

I miss rowing, but it's hard to see how I can go back to it any time soon. Already Liam is too much in various forms of child care because of my work. For a few more years I'll be happy with the occasional row and more regular workouts on the indoor rowing machine.

That's the news from here.

I'm traveling for work these next few days (Man, the air east of the mountains is cold and dry!) but have some catch-up posts from December and holiday events coming later in the week, I think.

Pizza Friday -- 1/6/2012 Edition

2012-01-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

This week for pizza Friday Liam wanted to have a party. The key elements of this were decorations and cake. So, Thursday night we made a chocolate cake and wrapped it up tight. While I was at work on Friday morning he and the babysitter blew up about 25 balloons and hung them all over the house with streamers. Friday afternoon when I got home, after we made the pizza dough, we made some chocolate frosting. The vegan (bless him) brought ice cream, which, of course, he doesn't even eat, and we ginned up an ice cream cake. We also ate, again, this kale salad because I simply cannot get enough of it this time a year. (We make it without the cheese.)

Mostly though we enjoyed the balloons. And the four-year old. And the pizza.

Liam's babysitter has a cast

2012-01-03T19:30:00.000-08:00

She is lovely and talented and injured herself skiing. (Too much, much too much, very fast; she is a ski school instructor for tiny, little children, 3-year olds, but injured herself skiing on her own time.)

She had a full length cast for about 4 weeks and was not babysitting, but now has a below the knee almost-walking-cast and is working herself back into the babysitting rotation. So far, so good. Her cast is purple and has made a big impression. Although she is not yet supposed to put too much weight on her broken leg, she apparently excels at hopping using only one crutch.

If you look closely you can see Liam's cast, which is a blue pipe cleaner wrapped around his right leg.

We are falling into our old routines and schedules. Pre-school. Babysitter. Work. Welcome 2012, so far so good.

Ready for peas

2012-01-01T14:45:00.000-08:00

The pea brush is up; it needs a little filling in here or there, but it's basically ready. And the ground is roughed up and compost added. December was so dry that I was even able to work the soil enough to get a little weeding done. Liam loves to help with the pea brush, but will weed for only about 10 minutes. He pulled some carrots and then played a complicated pretend game involving trucks. If there is a better way to spend new years day, I don't know it.

We won't plant until February or early March. This year, I think we'll grow Avalanche, again; we have a small growing space, so productivity is important. It was slow to start last year but once it came on, it went great. I'm toying with the idea of growing it on the new-this-year wire front fence too. Is it possible to have too many peas? I don't think so.

Happy new year everyone!

Say yes

2011-12-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

That's my resolution for 2012, and I'm starting early, today in fact. I know we're all supposed to resolve to do less, take better care of ourselves, lose weight and the rest; and I've got my list of those types of things too, for sure. But for Liam and me what I really want is to make space in my head, and my heart, and within my responsibilities to say yes a lot more.

Yes, you can go outside and scrape the car at 8:15 on Saturday morning even though we're not going anywhere. . .just because you want to, and there's no reason, really, to say no. Yes, I will go with you. Yes, you can feed the birds. . .stir the worms. . .play your music loud. . .leave the couch cushions like that overnight. . .peel the carrots. . .unpack the dishwasher. . .fold the towels all by yourself. . .put the laundry in the dryer even though it takes 100+ years. . .pour the water. . .watch Dinosaur Train on TV while we eat dinner in the living room (every once in a while). Yes, I will crawl up to the top bunk and read you a story even though you refuse to sleep up there and I wouldn't let you anyway because every night at 1:00 AM you still crawl into my bed and there's no way I think you could safely navigate the ladder while half asleep.

Yes, I will look. . .listen. . .watch. . .. Yes, I will play "go fish," again.

Yes.

What will you say yes to this year?

Happy Christmas

2011-12-29T22:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I didn't intend to be gone for so long. We had a lovely Christmas; made better because I decided to just say no to a big complicated dinner and made two soups, two salads, and a bunch of things to snack on instead. Perfect. We will definitely do that again.

Before Christmas (and before a quick trip to California to see Auntie Chris graduate, more on that later) we made yule logs for all our neighbors. It was quite a process but we enjoyed every step. Here's how it went. First we went out to the vegan's house where he very kindly cut the logs and drilled the candle holes for us and let us gather cedar and hemlock and even wild holly in his woods.

Then we cut the greens and stapled them to the logs. Liam unwrapped the candles and put them in the logs. We made tags and got them organized. Then we delivered them. I am amazed at how much people like these. This is something I remember from my childhood, my sister and I used to deliver them to all the neighbors in a wagon. We will definitely do this again too.

I hope all visitors to this space find themselves surrounded by love and light during the holidays and always.

Remembering

2011-11-27T19:53:00.001-08:00

Conscientious Objector

I shall die, but
that is all that I shall do for Death.
I hear him leading his horse out of the stall;
I hear the clatter on the barn-floor.
He is in haste; he has business in Cuba,
business in the Balkans, many calls to make this morning.
But I will not hold the bridle
while he clinches the girth.
And he may mount by himself:
I will not give him a leg up.

Though he flick my shoulders with his whip,
I will not tell him which way the fox ran.
With his hoof on my breast, I will not tell him where
the black boy hides in the swamp.
I shall die, but that is all that I shall do for Death;
I am not on his pay-roll.

I will not tell him the whereabout of my friends
nor of my enemies either.
Though he promise me much,
I will not map him the route to any man's door.
Am I a spy in the land of the living,
that I should deliver men to Death?
Brother, the password and the plans of our city
are safe with me; never through me Shall you be overcome.

Do students still learn this Millay poem in school?

It has been ringing in my head lately, a poem that Will always reminded me of, in a way; his refusal to aid or acquiesce in any way to his fate or to even buy in to the idea that what would come might come soon. He was always steady as he went, always thought the next day or so would bring a new plateau, some new kind of stability, stabilizing treatment, a new routine, and we'd go from there, make that world as big as possible. Steady.

Although not in the intended meaning, to me this poem always has a little bit of a "live every day for the living" flavor to it. The idea that you could be a spy in the land of the living by serving death in any way, including by not living your own life. And there is a little bit of the cheating death altogether idea to it, too, for me. At any rate, I can't explain exactly how Will reminded me of it, and perhaps it makes no good sense to anyone except me, since those meanings are certainly not born out by the poem's context. But it's a useful poem, I think, all-the-same, and topical these days, and I've been thinking of it, so here it is. Never through me shall you be overcome.

We miss him deeply today. One year on, and forward into the next because, after all, what else is there but forward.

"Never"

2011-11-15T21:28:00.001-08:00

It can be odd to parent an anxious child. I resist orientation towards labels, but I know what the counselor has said, and I see the obsessive wanting to know, know, know exactly what will happen next in Liam. I hope he'll grow away from it, or learn to manage it better. At any rate.

Yesterday we were reading a book about a kitten which was "small and fluffy and had an air of confidence about it."

I said: Liam, when do you have an air of confidence?

What's confidence?

When you're not worried at all because you know you can do it.

(Voice full of wonder and incredulity) Never.

(Trying to redirect) Well, I think sometimes you do, like when you put on your shoes, or when you draw pictures. And, if you haven't felt that way too much yet, you will more soon, as you get older and learn more things.

I haven't felt that way yet.

Sigh.

Good bye to Mollie the dog

2011-11-11T22:14:00.001-08:00

I feel so sad writing this -- we've given Mollie to a new family.

When I first met Will I remember being surprised, and relieved, to learn he had a dog. I remember thinking, okay, this shows he knows how to love something and take care of it. Good. And he did love Mollie. And when he was well he took her everywhere and walked her all over the place. She is a crazy smart dog, knows hand signals, whistle signals, can "ye" and "haw" like she actually might heard sheep. But she was just too much for me. Without walking she goes crazy -- digs enormous holes in the yard, tracks dirt everywhere; can't stay inside because she just paces and whines; can't be outside because she refuses to go into the dog house Will built her. I can't walk her and Liam at the same time because he dawdles and she pulls on the leash and races around and knocks him down. I'm gone all day at work. I believe a new home to be best for her, and I know it's best for us.

I hope and pray I didn't promise Will I would keep Mollie forever. I can't remember.

The person who owns the kennel Mollie sometimes stays at know someone who does dog rescue and she found the new family for Mollie. A big fenced yard; dog door; daily walking routine. We met in the rain up at the elementary school. Mollie was leery at first but I had brought dog treats and the leash and the tennis ball. So they walked her; gave her treats; tossed her the tennis ball. I gave her a scratch behind the ears and told her we loved her, and she jumped in the car without a backwards glance.

Liam is doing fine, as far as I can tell. Maybe he's suppressing it. We talked about how Mollie needed a house with a big yard and a family that could walk her every day. He cried a little, but also thought that Mollie should have a big yard. Then I explained (on the advise of his counselor, since I never would have thought of this myself) that if we didn't have a dog to take care of maybe we could get him a small pet of his own, like a fish. He helped pack up her stuff. While I was introducing Mollie to her new family he and the babysitter made her a card "Dear Mollie -- I hope you have fun in your new home; I will miss you but I will get a pet fish. Love Liam."

Today I got an email from Mollie's new person. She took Mollie on her "daily 3-mile walk" and Mollie "did great on the regular leash and could have gone 3-miles more." Thank you.

Lantern Walk

2011-11-11T20:54:00.001-08:00

I go outside with my lantern my lanterngoes with me,

Above the stars are shining, here onearth shine we,

So shine your light through the still dark night,

La bimma la bamma la boom boom boom

‘neath heavens dome, till we go home,

la bimma la bamma la boom boom boom.

Lantern walk at Liam's little school begins with a story inside and ends with a fire in the back yard. In between the children and their people walk to neighbors house and sing songs to brighten the dark night and remind neighbors to warm one another through the long winter.

There are 11 children. If I'm very lucky he can stay here through the second grade.

A big moon brightened the lantern walk tonight and even though the west wind brought cold and rain all day we had a break from the weather that lasted just long enough. Perfect.

*Edited to reload video

Two boys

2011-11-08T21:27:00.000-08:00

Liam is making friends with the boy across the street. It is so very sweet. On Friday afternoon they made the pizza dough. This is them measuring flour into smaller bowls to dump into the big bowl. Important to have many and equal jobs when doing projects with 4-year olds.

Owl

2011-10-31T21:53:00.000-07:00

The little owl had a good Halloween. Small parade at school -- lovely. Then a walk up and and down our street with the neighbors (cat and falcon). I'll post on making the costume some time in the next week, it's a keeper. Thank you to GoGo and Grandpa for walking around with Liam and me and to GG and Grandma for staying home and handing out candy and cleaning up the kitchen!

Stand back . . . pumpkins are being carved

2011-10-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

Pizza Friday and pumpkin carving. Pretty fun. Three pumpkins down and hopefully no more to go, although Liam has his eye on one of the gourds decorating the porch.

Tonight Liam said to me "Oh Mommy! Thank you, thank you for this pizza. It is double not yucky." Double not yucky. Umm, thanks, I think. (For some reason this reminds me of Sidney Morgenbesser -- whose name I just had to look up -- and the joke/story about the linguistics lecturer and how in English (Or was it all languages?) a double negative is a positive, but there is no such thing as a double positive meaning the negative; punchline: yeah, right.)

Photos of the finished pumpkins to follow. Stay tuned.

Making

2011-10-26T13:19:00.000-07:00

I think I've done more sewing in the past week or so. . .than in months, years maybe. Cat and mouse masks, owl costume work, and now this felt birthday crown for Liam's school. . .. So nice to have the office/guest/sewing/spare room torn apart with fabric and pins allover and the sewing machine out.

I do love to make things. The crown pattern is from here, of course. In the Creative Family book.

Cat and Mouse

2011-10-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

Liam has been struggling lately, again. Talking a lot about Will's death; easy to anger; clingy and difficult. Not sleeping as well. Acting out. The babysitter is about at the end of her rope and God help us if she quits.

Two steps forward one step back, that's what someone reminded me on Friday. Never straight ahead.

But I do see it, sometimes, little parts of his future. He fell* and cut his ear badly today. Blood everywhere and one look tells me it needs stitches. So off we go to urgent care. And he can pull it together. Can listen, can understand what is going to happen, can trust. When he said "I will hold still, please don't wrap me in the blanket," I said, "Don't wrap him, he will hold still." And he did. Sank deeper into my lap, took some deep breaths, stopped crying and whining, and sat still for at least 5 minutes while I sang quiet songs in his good ear and showed him pictures on my phone. Turns out they could glue his ear back together instead of stitching it, which I think hurt less, but required the doctor to hold the two edges of the cut together (firmly) while the glue set.

By all accounts so far he will be fine. No permanent damage. He now thinks it's hilarious that his ear was fixed with glue; although he still doesn't want to talk about how he hurt it.

We came home, watched some TV, made pumpkin bread, made the jam, and finished sewing our cat and mouse presents for the little boy across the street's birthday party tomorrow. They are a total rip off from here and I will make these again; now that I've got a template cut and worked through it a few times they will come together quickly. Worked a little on his owl costume for Halloween. Stay home day but for our one unexpected excursion.

He feels fragile to me these days, but I know he is strong; little, still very little, but strong.

*He fell while jumping from one couch to the other (which he knows he is not supposed to do) while I was outside for less than 2 minutes getting a box of plums from the car to make jam. I heard the crash as I walked up the porch stairs, but still can't quite figure out what he cut himself on.

Advances in CF drug therapy

2011-10-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hello Universe -- I respectfully ask that you give a little power and attention to this; Gods and Goddesses please guide and inspire the scientists and researchers, help these medications to work -- really work -- and get them to the people who need them quickly and at a cost normal working humans can afford.

First drug ever, as far as I know, to treat the underlying salt transport problem that causes CF to be so deadly goes to the FDA with a request for accelerated review and approval this week. Thank you God for letting it get this far. It's a start, it's a start, it's a start.

Liam tells me a story

2011-10-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

After dinner Liam asked if he could play "lost kitten." When I had asked him earlier today what he had played at school he told me "lost kitten" so I had been wondering about the game. "Sure," I said. Here's how it went.

Liam crawls around on the couch mewing; and speaking "Mommy...looooook....loooook...a little lost kitten, it's a lost kitten." More mewing and the kitten crawls into my lap so I can pet it and Liam tells me it's story.

Mommy, this kitten, this kitten, see, its owner has died. He died. The owner had a big, big sickness and after a while the sickness got so big that his body totally stopped working and he died. But while he still had a big, big sickness, but before he died, he let the kitten outside and the kitten got lost. And when the kitten came back he looked for the owner all around the world and he looked everywhere in the whole universe, and he came home and looked everywhere and everywhere all around the house, and all around the yard, and all around everywhere, again and again, but no owner. So the kitten sat down and said 'hmmm' and 'think, think, think' and on the last think the kitten said, 'oh, I know, I think my da . . .my owner. . .has died.' And now, Mommy, this kitten has come to live with you. What do you think?

Then Liam said "Mommy, I'm really talking about Daddy, you know. Even though it was a long, long time ago I still remember snuggling with Daddy on his hospital bed, when his hospital bed was right there, next to the tv cabinet, where the blue chair is. I remember that."

Yes, small one, I remember that too. Your Daddy loved to snuggle with you and talk with you and read you stories more than anything, and we can always remember exactly what that was like.

Birthday Girls

2011-10-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

We are so blessed and lucky to have these two women in our lives. Happy Birthday Grandma. Happy Birthday GG. Thanks for everything you do for us; I hope you both have great years ahead.

Here they are both looking at Liam doing (yet another) inappropriate thing at the table.

A note on the cakes: cake #1 is from here. These recipies are always so perfect; every instruction is easy to understand, all questions answered, and they always work out just right. Cake #2 is from here. Also very easy to follow and who can resist something called Southern Strawberry Cake. The frosting roses were made by a local bakery and frozen on waxed paper for me to take home. At less than $5 for all these roses I think it may be the last good deal left on the planet.

Pizza Friday, Cashew Cheese, and Birthday Saturday

2011-10-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

Pizza Friday -- again. I have to say that compared to when we first (re)instituted pizza Friday we are much better at it. Practice does improve things. We generally get the pizza on the table by 6:00 (or earlier), and the kitchen is not destroyed at the end any more. One thing that helps is I curb the ambition. Liam prefers just cheese anyway (he also likes prosciutto, but we generally at least make the effort to eat veg when the vegan is in the house for dinner). Mushrooms and olives work for the rest of us. Fresh basil if it is around. Garlic. Pizza sauce from a jar. It comes together quickly. One must make the dough the morning of, or the night before, or buy it (unfrozen) at the store. No messing around with dough making with the job is to get the pizza to the eaters.

The vegan makes cashew nut "cheese" which is so much better than it sounds, it really, really is. Also completely and totally healthy. You should try it.

Gather up about 1 cup raw cashews (Raw; not roasted, not salted; this is an excuse to visit the food co-op in your town.), 1 cup water, 1-2 tablespoons food yeast (Another trip to the co-op!), 1/4 cup or a little bit more lemon juice, about 1/3 cup onion chopped fine, and a clove or two of garlic. Put it all in a blender or a food processor. Mix it up until it is really smooth. As you mix, add enough more water so it will sort of pour out, like a thick sauce. You don't want it too gloppy. Sometimes basil is added. That's it. Spoon or drip it over your pizza and bake away as normal. Don't use too much -- it's not real cheese for Pete's sake. Liam's job is always to squeeze the lemons for the lemon juice. Let me know if you try this and what you think. It also gets used on bean and rice "haystacks" around here. Very versatile, that cashew nut cheese.

Now that pizza Friday is put away, I am deep in preparations for Birthday Saturday. All four of Liam's grandparents have birthdays within about 8 weeks of each other. End of September, mid-October, and then two early/mid-November. And then we rest. No, actually, we make Thanksgiving, but whatever. This year we're combining the grandmothers' birthdays. This means, because I am crazy, two homemade birthday cakes and three kinds of lasagna. Yes. I thought about it carefully and that's what I decided to do. A progress report: two lasagnas are made and the fillings for the third are made but the sauce is not made and it is not assembled. One cake is made but it is not frosted and the (Two!) kinds of frosting are not made. The other cake is not started. But, I have almost all the ingredients and with a quick trip to the store in the AM, I think I can bust it out. Photos to follow, I hope.

Foraging

2011-10-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

The days fly. Work. Work is so busy right now, grinding me down with long hours and travel. Liam. He is moving through many transitions -- potty training (Done!), pre-school (I am so blessed and lucky to have him in his little school.), new babysitter (Because preschool schedules are apparently written for the independently wealthy, 9-2 anyone?).

We find our way. Where do I give today and where do I take. Where do I go fast and where do I hang on to slow. Can I turn over the right leaf, see what is barely hidden, almost in plain site. On the last hot sunny Wednesday morning of the season do I really have to work, or can I sit on the porch with the sun on my face and just talk. Cook a slow lunch before I go get Liam at school. Uncovering, if I am lucky, a little more of myself every day. And today, in the deep forest, far up the steep hill, in the mist and rain, mushrooms.

I am trying to look at the face what will be undoubtedly be a rough few months. The anniversary of the day Will went into the hospital for the last time; came home for the last time; after that. And then, into the second year; no more days of "the last . . .whatever it is. . .Will was alive." We make our way ahead -- forward, choosing the best of what is all around us. So, belated autumn blessings and welcome fall rains that bring returning salmon, early nights, and mushrooms. I will try to be in this space more often.

Our Saturdays

2011-09-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

Saturday is "stay home day" at our house. Which means no day care, no going to work for me, we get to stay home. Except sometimes we go out -- today to the Harbor fest to tour the tug boats and eat ice cream for lunch. Followed by a bus ride up the hill and mac and cheese for our second lunch. (Mommy! A backwards lunch!)

This is what it looks like. Breakfast on the porch. Walks into town. Lunch on the table. Many loads of laundry. Art supplies and trains everywhere. Sticks and pine cones from the yard. Stay home day.

Early bedtime

2011-08-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

Liam fell asleep on my lap tonight during downstairs snack/story time, our nightly wind down before wash up, teeth, PJs, upstairs story and bed.

He had a changeable day. Started off even; went way south when the babysitter arrived at 8:30 and I went upstairs to work (deep sobbing; had to be pried off me), stuck there for a while. But by 11:00, after checking in with me for a try at the potty, he was even again, "I love you Mommy --sniff-- see you in an hour." As good as it ever gets.

He has been struggling so hard lately; I see the worry, I see the fear, I see him trying and then getting lost. And when you ask him, after a while, he usually can tell you: I'm afraid mommy will never come back; I'm afraid mommy will die; I'm afraid I will die.

He is trying so mightily to be toilet trained so he can go to preschool; but, is so concerned about the change. In the very quiet voice "Mommy--it is a new school, I might cry; What if I cry?" Leaving aside that he still cries every single day when I leave him at the "school" where he's been going for over two years. Regressing. Calling me mama again for the first time in over a year.

He will come out of it, of course. He is learning various tricks to use when his mind and body start to run away from him; just little things he can say in his head to push pause, help him regroup. And he is getting good at it; buying in. ("Mommy--I was mistaken, I thought I was too sad to use my trick today, but then I tried and it worked; Mommy? it worked.") He is so exhausted.

I am that person. The one he cries, not to leave. The one he clings to. The one who, when I sit still enough, lets him know it is safe to fall asleep.

This is what happens when you throw your shoes in the pool

2011-08-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

You have to dry them with the hairdryer or else you cannot go on the steam train excursion planned for later in the morning. (Thank you GoGo! He had a great time.)

Liam was pretending that things were fireworks this morning and throwing them around; I said, please take that outside, fireworks are not for inside. And, before I knew it, the kiddy pool was full of plastic animals and shoes. Liam does not have a lot of pairs of shoes, and really only one that are closed. We haven't found any sneakers he likes; these little Land's End shoes are his favorite, so when they got wet, he had to fix the problem.

Shoes in the pool. I haven no idea what he was thinking.

43

2011-08-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

There are still some things in the closet that I haven't worn since Will died;I brought one out yesterday. This keeping track, I guess, is one of my ways of remembering. The day (finally) I changed the sheets on Will's bed. The day I (finally) washed the last tee-shirt that smelled exactly like he used to smell. The last time we cooked outside, ate ravioli, picked blueberries, ran through the sprinkler, drove this way in the car, I'll think, Will was alive.

The driving ambushes me the worst; there have been times, usually on longer drives when I'm by myself, that I'll just stop the car and pull to the side of the road and tear and stare and concentrate on breathing and wonder: how did I do all that; how can we go on. Watch the sky.

It is his birthday this weekend. He would have been 43. Same as me in December.

It's been a long time

2011-08-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

Summer, or what we're going to get of it this year. Sun some days. The garden. Very busy at work. Trying to get Liam out more to practice being with other children. (He is doing better at this; he did eventually try out this fountain and loved it.) Potty training (for Liam), he must learn by fall, it's required for his new school.

Family visits and more to come, which we are looking forward to.

One successful canning project (strawberry jam) complete; a second total failure (apricot butter which failed to set and is good for nothing but pancake syrup for people who really like apricots) also done.

I'm back from a lovely weekend away, still feeling the calm of about 48 hours of no "Mommy!, Mommy!, Mommy!" (Thanks Mom and Dave.) And on Tuesday I am invited to go rowing, and have said "yes" for the first time in about 5 years. And I'm looking forward to it.

The start of summer

2011-06-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

Auntie Chris is visiting, going on her second week. How wonderful is it to have another adult in the house to complement the 4 year old? Well, it's pretty darn wonderful. That it's Auntie Chris makes it beyond words. So, we're busy with projects. Fence! Finally! Books to be sold. . .sold, finally! Bunk beds for Liam! (Not sure this is a good idea but here we go.) Pizza Friday! Etc.!

More soon.

From nothing

2011-06-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

Liam and I went outside this morning to find a small daisy chain on the door. From the neighbors across the street. Made with caring and love; left for his birthday. I know just where the daisies were picked; down the hill in that funny small green patch by the circle at the busy road. Before they built the circle it was a bigger patch, with some benches and trees; huge peonies. Now the circle takes up a lot of that space, and we have a bigger park moved to the other side, nearer the water, where there's more room and more to look at. But this old patch, smaller now, still grows these white daisies like no one's business. And the peonies still can be found too, or what's left of them, if you tromp in there to the back and look. Mostly leaves now.

More than anything I want him to learn from this. It is not presents (Although those were lovely; thank you everyone!), it's not the running around arranging the dinner and getting things done (Although that is among my core competencies and I do it continuously, much to my annoyance with myself.). It is the slow weaving of a flower chain, the kind where you have to get down into the grass and find the long stems, so you can tie the knots. Taking time. Small things. Connected to other people. That's what I want him to learn. I know where the daisies are, just exactly; but we haven't gone in weeks. Too much rushing. Busy.

Thanks neighbors for the reminder and the love. Happy, happy birthday Liam; not so small any more but always still our tiny, little baby.

Weekend driving

2011-06-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

At the beach in Pt. Townsend. The weekend. Yesterday we messed around at the house and then went to my parents for dinner (Thanks mom!). Today a driving trip to Pt. Townsend to visit an old friend from high school if-you-can-believe-it and her family. Lovely.

Things said to me this weekend that made me laugh:

Yesterday, from the vegan: you're not hungry, that is one of your body's many cries for water. This may sound obnoxious but it is uttered with (a) such conviction and (b) such affection and good humor that it is truly priceless. I drank the water. (This while driving to my mother's house. Vegan drinks about a gallon and a half of water a day, so even though I'm pretty reliable at between 40 and 64 ounces, I still pale in comparison and am therefore worried about.)
Today, from Liam: Mommy, my favorite kind of bean is the jelly bean, did you know that Mommy? Can we cook jelly beans? (This while driving home from Pt.T after I said out loud to myself that we needed to get a pot of beans on the stove or we'd have nothing for dinners this week. I said, Liam do you know that jelly beans aren't real beans -- they're candy? L: Oh, no wonder I like them.)

Also memorable: stopping for ice cream on the way home; and singing in the car with Liam most of the way to and from Pt.T and having him request this song over and over until we both learned all the words. (That's kind of a bad recording, but the best I could find and they do get it together in the end. He also loves this one. The whole album is great.)

So far behind at work it's not clear how or when I will catch up. Liam slept in the car on the way home for about 45 minutes. Dread bedtime, although it can't come soon enough because he is still crazy tired.

Blocks from sticks

2011-06-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

I told the vegan that I thought it would be nice to have some of these natural-style blocks for Liam. (Actually, I think I might have said: Would you make them? I can't figure out how to turn on the chop saw. Which is true, I can't; but I will learn some day.) So today he stopped at the house on his way home from working and chop, chop: 100-year-ish old azalea wood from the bush I cut out in front of the house last weekend is now a bucket of blocks.

Liam picked through the branches to find the ones were big enough ends for blocks, and he watched (from a distance) the operation of the chop saw. Tried to catch the blocks as they were tossed out of the garage. Was thrilled to wear his own hearing protection. And he occasionally offered instruction on whether the blocks should be big or small, and how many should be cut from any given stick. Said "Oh. . .thank you!" for virtually every block. At the end, he also wanted some blocks to paint, so a 2x4 was cut up.

Then all the blocks came inside and Liam made a forest.

I had thought blocks like this would be a nice birthday present for Liam, but now he's going to receive some beeswax or wood oil or something like that, and a little tin and a soft rag so he can finish his own blocks. (I have been told by the block maker that they are "just fine" the way they are, but I like the idea of Liam being able to finish them.)

See Liam's open hands in the picture? So relaxed. He gets that from his father. I am a fidget-er and tend to have something in my hands always, or close them and put them under me. Liam has this easy way of being still that came with his wiring and I hope he keeps forever.

Reading stories and

2011-05-30T07:03:00.000-07:00

We generally read about four stories at Liam's bedtime. Three downstairs while he has a small snack (generally ak-mak cracker, one of the best foods ever, with peanut butter and a glass of milk), and the last story upstairs when he is tucked into bed.

Liam always chooses the stories. Last night three of the four were about families with only a Daddy. Pinocchio (which I hate and was given to Liam and is one more reason that I should be on top of my game on Christmas to get the crap out of here before he notices it), a Disney story about Nemo (how these things get into the house, I'm not sure), and then a story called Interrupting Chicken (about a chicken who puts her Papa to bed with a story). On the way up the stairs a tired, snuggley Liam said "now I only have a mommy; I only have a mommy because my daddy died."

Today he was up at 5 and refused to go back to sleep. Big day ahead, play date at a park with a friend from his school/daycare (which may get moved to our house on account of it looks a lot like rain), then family-dinner at my mother's.

Memorial Day -- in my intentions today are all the families, so many more now, whose fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers have been killed in our country's wars and those returned from service, may time bring healing; and for those serving now a prayer for a safe day and soon, soon, soon a time of peace.

Outdoor Play Kitchen

2011-05-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

Stay home day today -- so when not trying to shoe-horn in work, Liam and I:

Picked up the dog at the kennel, because I got stuck at the office late yesterday and forgot, that's right, forgot to go get her after work. When driving home Liam was nattering about moving his railroad track to somewhere where Mollie wouldn't knock it over and I said "crap, I forgot to get Mollie" and pulled over and called the kennel. No harm done. She loves it there; they take her on trail walks every morning. I guess we're officially looking for a new home for the dog. She's just too much for me. And I'm not a dog person. I'd like her to have a family that is more dog-oriented. Hear that universe?
Oil-changed the car. Finally.
Grocery shopped, except I have already thought of things I forgot.
Went to the old house (now rented) and checked things over since the renters are moving out, and measured two of the windows that had lost their seal and are still under warranty from the great house remodel of 2002. Sent the measurements away to where they needed to go.
Had the neighbor boy over to play for about an hour -- trains, airplanes, garbage trucks, cranes!
Made this small, mud-pie outside play "kitchen" and broke it in. No sawing required (or at least none done).
Made cinnamon rolls (unrelated to the above and inside, in the real kitchen); still working on perfecting the whole wheat version.
Got Liam's hair cut -- at the neighbor's, she cuts his hair (and mine) she's great. (Photos are from before the haircut.)

All I can say is: Ta-Da! Day over. Back to work tomorrow.

A small weekend away was had

2011-05-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

I unexpectedly had a work meeting take me to Friday Harbor in the San Juans last week. On Friday. So, Ann and Doug were kind enough to keep Liam an extra few days so I could have a small weekend away. On the beach.

My family spent so much time on the beach and in the islands when I was a kid, it's always like going home. Waking up to the water going crash, crash is the best sound ever. And the late, low (almost) summer light is magic.

This is approximately half (or maybe a third) of what you end up with when you ask a 6 foot 2 vegan to please be in charge of food. For pity's sake. I see, hummus, tofu something, beer, kombucha, chocolate nibs, lentil sprouts, grapefruit, garlic powder (for the popcorn), popcorn popper. . . .. I guess the actual vegetables were already back in the car with all the other stuff getting ready for the ride home when I took this picture. . ..

Raspberry patch

2011-05-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

In process but making progress. A few weeks ago Shane (of pizza Fridays) and Liam put in the posts. Today we went to my old house (now rented) and dug up some raspberries, brought them home, and planted them. Done and done. Fingers crossed. Liam calls it the raspberry trap.

Hatching out

2011-05-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Liam thinks all baby animals come from eggs. I haven't seen my way clear to really get into this with him at this point, but maybe I'm wrong. I correct (gently and without fanfare) most other fundamental misconceptions. I guess it just seems like a slippery slope. Also, the baby animals hatching from eggs thing is sort of priceless-ly sweet and funny. So genuine.

Tonight on the way upstairs to brush his teeth he was a baby tiger, newly hatched from an egg: "Mommy...Look...A baby Tiger. It's hatching out! Watch it. Tap, tap, tap. Creeeek. It's hatched! Awwwah. It's so sweet. Such a sweet baby Tiger."

Apple Trap

2011-05-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get just a little, tiny bit more serious about the food production here in the yard this year. This means getting the garden in on time for a change (even though Spring has yet to cooperate in any way) and working on the apple tree. (Also raspberries have been almost organized, more on that some other time.)

The apple tree. What to say. It's lovely. It's huge (taller than the house). It's over a 100 years old. (The house is 110-ish, this year.) It makes a ton of apples, all of them inedible and infested with various bugs. So this year, a hard pruning. (Thanks Ananda!) And, "apple traps" as Liam likes to call them. Red plastic "apples" painted with something that seems to be basically Vaseline and hung in the tree as soon as the flowers start to come out. Check, check, check. Fingers crossed.

After one apple traps, one swings, of course.

Easy

2011-05-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

Pizza Friday this week featured the new pizza stone (Thanks Auntie Chris!) rigged up to accept the pizza with a combination of lots of cornmeal and a flexible plastic kids placement. Pizza peel is in my future, I guess; although this seemed to work pretty good for something MacGyver-ed up. Also featured vegan melty-cashew-nut-"cheese" (which is so much better than it sounds, you really must try it), made and waiting for me when I got home (Nice!). Come to think of it, my only role in the pizza production this week was to make the dough (on Thursday night), and show up and drink a beer. (Perfect after two super long days at work.) And I toured Dave-the-Old-Window-and-Door-Superhero around the house to look at how to (maybe) fix our old, old windows. Jeeze I hope we can somehow make that work.

While Dave measured windows and I watched him, Liam helped with pizza production downstairs; it was so funny to listen to. "Wait, wait, what about over there on that part of the pizza, doesn't it get some garlic?" "How about the mushrooms now? What do you mean you don't like mushrooms? Oh, come on, let's eat one, see? Good." "No, we don't have any fish right now." "Okay, let's wash your hands again." (And again, and again.)

After pizza we went for a walk. Down the hill, along the busy road, park on the beach, discuss the big ship (at length), pick lots of small daisies, up the nature trail through the woods, along the back alleys to home. Chance meeting with old neighbors. "Hi. . .you two. . .again, so nice to see you. Yes, he's graduating next week; yes, mechanical. . .No, she's in Philadelphia now. . .Look how big Liam is."

Easy.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day. I hope all visitors to this space have a day filled with love -- given and received. Know that the women in this world, by their acts of love and endurance, peace and compassion, can and must change the courses of lives, communities, and nations. Mothers own your power today, and bring it to the world.

From Julia Ward Howe, the Mother's Day Proclamation:

Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts,
whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!

Say firmly: "We will not have great questions decided by
irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking
with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be
taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach
them of charity, mercy and patience.

We women of one country will be too tender of those of another
country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From
the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says "Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance
of justice."

Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons
of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a
great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women,
to bewail and commemorate the dead.

Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the
means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each
bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
but of God.

In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a
general congress of women without limit of nationality may be
appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at
the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the
alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement
of international questions, the great and general interests of
peace.

Julia Ward Howe
Boston
1870

Pizza Friday

2011-05-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

Pizza Friday has re-established a toe-hold at our house. We'll see if it continues. In the meantime, any suggestions for getting good pizza out of a regular 450 degree-ish max kitchen oven are welcome. In a "wow, universe thanks for paying attention" moment, last night was our first pizza Friday and today in the mail arrives a pizza stone as a mother's day present from Auntie Chris. (Thanks Chris! I hope to have perfected pizza by the time you get here in June.)

Pizza was Liam's second dinner. First he ate fish, broccoli and raspberries, proclaiming that he didn't like pizza. But then (an hour later when the pizza was finally, finally ready) he was prevailed upon to try some and proclaimed it "yummy!"

Mommy? Are I really Liam?

2011-05-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

This happens once a week or so, and has for the past few months.

L: Mommy? Are I really Liam?
M: Yes sweet, you are really, really Liam.
L: Really?
M: Yes, really, I promise.

No idea.

May Day

2011-05-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

Please excuse the crummy photo, taken with my (also crummy) cell phone.

Today Liam and I came home (late, I had a work dinner) to May baskets on the front porch. So. Very. Sweet. Did you do that when you were a kid? Make May baskets? We did and ran them all around the neighborhood every year. So, Liam learned the May Basket Song, and I had the following conversation with our across the street neighbor when I went out to get the mail and he was getting in his car to go somewhere.

(Shouted, in a neighborly way.)

Me: Hey! Do we have you to thank for our May Baskets?
Him: May Baskets? Don't look at me.
Me: Really?
Him: Wait? Small baskets of flowers? I might have heard something about that. You ring the doorbell and run?
Me: Exactly, it's good practice for all kinds of things. Thank you.

I love my neighborhood. I am so blessed and lucky and thankful to live here, with these good people all around me.

Behind. . .and the Procession

2011-04-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

There are little things and big that make me know I live in the right town for me. I've lived other places; and thought about living other places again. But, when I reflect, I know that this crazy little place, near the sea, in sight of the mountains, small enough to walk around, this is my place.

The Procession is one of those reinforcing things. Here's basically how it works: it's a parade, it happens around Earth Day each year, nothing motorized is allowed, it's human powered in all ways, there is a community art studio leading up to it and people make these costumes, the bands are all rag tag, anyone can march, and at the end, everyone who hasn't marched so far falls in after the last band and walks the rest of the way to the end where there is a big party. That's it. Actually, the Procession always makes me cry because it is sweetness and community in the way that just breaks your heart it is so perfectly, genuinely human. You could have one in your town too. . .and I hope that you do, really, it is a treasure.

We start with the city closing off the streets and passing out sidewalk chalk so all the streets are decorated.

Then the parade starts. This year featured lots of little kids (as usual), bats and a bat cave, a really bid spider, birds, a razor clam dig, and whales, jellyfish, zebras, lemurs and others (not pictured). Priceless.

Mommy and Liam watched the whole thing:

Artist, Artist, M'Bay Bay Artist

2011-04-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

Liam has been looking at the atlas lately (after seeing a Wonder Pets episode about Tibet) and is influenced by both the ideas and the visuals. He explained to me that all these colors were places and what the places were called as he painted them, and I wrote a few down in order of appearance.

1. Yellow = Olympia (home)
2. Purple = Artist M'Bay (I have no idea)
3. Blue = Artist, Artist M'Bay, Bay Artist
4. Red = Olympia, Olympia, Wash, Wash, State
5. Brown = Artist, Artist M'Bay, Bay Artist Washington DC, Wash
6. White = Wash, Wash, Flower, State, State, Flower
7. Orange = California
8. Light blue = Artist, Artist M'Bay, Bay, Flower, Rain

I didn't write down the green or the pink. He covers the entire paper. He carefully puts each color down all by itself one at a time and he doesn't confuse the names.

A hard night tonight. Liam is not good at falling to sleep, especially if he's had a nap. He started a third day at school (daycare) this week, for a lot of reasons, and I know it will be good; but, at school he naps. He won't nap for love or money at home, but at school, if I don't beg and beg and remind them every morning they will let him sleep for two hours. And then he lies in bed and wiggles and squirms and complains and whines about not wanting to go to sleep for at least 90 minutes while I lie their and try to think peaceful thoughts and not about all the things I still have to do downstairs before I can go to sleep.

So, now it's 10:02, I've been downstairs from epic bedtime for about 15 minutes, and it turns out these are going to be the only 15-30 minutes I get to myself today, because I had a long day at work and a long stressful drive home in hail and rain, and I can't stay awake myself much longer. Another long day looms tomorrow, complete with another nap-induced bad bedtime to cap it off. I know I have to come up with a better way, but so far, nothing I've tried has worked and I'm out of ideas for now.

Liam has been in mood to ask me lots of questions about Will's death again lately. This is good, we were worried he wasn't talking about it; wouldn't talk about it. Still, 9:15 at night mid-way through Long Bedtime is not when I want to field questions like "But, Mommy -- did the doctors hurt Daddy?" and "But, why, why, why did Daddy have the big sickness." I would rather be on vacation in Artist, Artist M'Bay Bay Artist, wherever the hell that is. I hope it's near the ocean.

Tiny sliver of a moon tonight when I let the dog out for the last time. Tiny, far, bright, bright moon and breath that steamed the air. I thought those days were done for the year -- but tonight, cold, cold again and almost clear. Thinking warm thought about the fava beans, just four leaves each. Stay with us small plants.

Dandilions

2011-04-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

A day of almost no rain today. Astounding. We've been breaking all records for cold and rain. It has been rain, rain, rain, rain. Serious rain, the kind that falls as snow in the mountains one moment, and on snow in the mountains the next; and causes lowland flooding.

Despite this, we have peas, kale, fava beans, shallots, romaine lettuce, and carrots up in the garden. Strawberries putting on the green. Rhubarb looking huge and bright and prehistoric. The season changes despite itself.

And today clouds but no real rain until now, and a very slow walk to the park, filled with dandelion after dandelion until my pockets were stuffed. And Liam said "Mommy! Where did all these pretty flowers come from? Where?" And I said they came for the spring sweet boy, they mean it's finally coming on to be spring.

The zoo. . .

2011-03-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

Liam went through a zoo-making phase this weekend. He also was delighted, delighted to be addressed as "zookeeper" and to tell me all about the animals.

"Well, this Lion. . .this Lion, see, he has a big mane, that's his hair; and he has a long tail with this black puff at the end, and his toes are black too and his tummy is very round. . .it's very round see, because he has been eating hay."

Note that when you are the zoo keeper it is important to use your binoculars (backwards) to get a good look at all the animals. My job was to help make the animal houses and to occasionally intervene when the real animals tried to play. "Mommy! AGGGGGGAHHHHH! Mommy! Pixie no, NO, NOOOOOO. Mommy. . .HELP!" (Pixie is the cat; she is too big for lion houses made from blocks and a hazard to the lion fence too.) My job also was to pretend to sleep and then wake up and sing the zoo song (you know the one)* and then go to the zoo to be given a(nother) tour by the zoo keeper.

Also this weekend: we successfully walked the dog with no yelling and no crying, which is a very big success. Did lots of swinging on the swing even though it rained most of both days. Filled in the Very Big Hole dug by the dog and continued with the gravel-moving-bootcamp workout. Made carrot raisin cookies, so good. And took a trip to urgent care because Liam "bonked" his eye on a cardboard box and (as it turns out) scratched his cornea slightly. (He is fine; will be fine. Mommy almost had to start drinking after having to help strap her screaming baby into the papoose so his eye could be examined.)

Here's how Liam explained what happened to the doctor: "Well, Mommy was brushing her teeth and I was on my Auntie Chris' couch, I mean her beddie, and I wasn't looking where I was going and I bonked my eye on a box."

"Wasn't looking where I was going" is all his own explanation; my word was accident, as in "You accidentally bonked your eye and it hurts." He was so brave about the whole thing. Afterward he said to me:
"Mommy, I really didn't like that special beddie to help me hold still." "No, you didn't like it; I didn't like it either, but we had to help you hold still so Dr. Karl could get a good look at your eye." "Yes, we had to do it." (My description of the papoose; special beddie that helps you hold still, which I thought was pretty good considering I had all of 45 seconds to come up with some way to explain what was about to happen.)

Love and light to my old friend Fred tonight who is (I hope) getting ready to be awakened from his second heart transplant. What else to say about that. Go Fred, I wish you many, many more happy years and blessings, peace and comfort to the donor family.

*This was the best? only link I could fine on YouTube, and it's a cool live recording but not as nice an arrangement for singing as the zoo song we grew up with.

The garden is up; the fence is down

2011-03-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

Peas planted three weeks ago at least, before the snow and then the flood and then the weeks of rain, sleet and hail, those peas are sprouted. And the kale too. Still no sign of the shallots or fava beans, but I'm hopeful. Optimism and willingness to work in the rain are the two most important qualities for successful gardening in the maritime NW as far as I can tell.

The second lift of peas went in this weekend. (Sounds so huge, it is only really two more short rows, about four feet each, the width of the raised beds.) Carrots went in too. Romaine. More kale. Planted by Liam and me on the first sunny day in ages, and slept their first sleep under the biggest full moon one could wish for. Beets and other lettuces will follow soon. Summer broccoli. And we'll go on that way for a while until June when maybe it will be warm enough for the pole beans to go in and the basil. In July I'll get tomato transplants from the Farmer's Market, and maybe a hot pepper or two.

Liam found some side-shoots from the overwintered purple-sprouting broccoli when he was helping me plant. He was so excited to eat it raw from the garden; purple broccoli was a revelation. It was a beautiful purple, but none of the pictures came out.

Just before the great snow, yes, before, I started a somewhat misguided front-garden-wall-replacement-project. The fence did not survive the great melt/flood/deluge and collapsed into the back excavation for the new wall, so now it has become a wall and fence replacement project. I got into this sideways when the north side neighbor mentioned that the fence line zigged when it ought to be straight and it should be fixed in a way that would give me four more feet of sun. Four feet of sunny front yard perfect for blueberries? Okay, I can get comfortable with that. Except the elevation difference between my place and her's is about three feet in the front. So, the side wall needed to be moved. And it is, of course, attached to the front wall. So I think, if we're going to get into this we should do it right and just replace the whole crooked, cinder-block wall mess with something that will look decent. Thus began the total replacement of the wall; and now the fence too. Note to self: leave things well enough alone already.

It has been too wet and rainy to get the wall in right for most of the past two weeks, but Friday's half dry day started real progress again and I'm cautiously hopeful that they might wrap it up this week. Liam is very much enjoying watching all this unfold, from the big truck with detachable forklift that delivered the blocks, to the wall digging and progress, to, especially, the mud pit that used to be our parking strip.

Happy first day of spring; we are ready for it around here, that's for sure.

Buckwheat noodles and broccoli

2011-03-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

It's shaping up to be a real and truly animal-free food weekend. Friday night I made red lentil dal and brown rice (from here, a lovely place) which I served with broccoli and some more orange squash. Saturday dinner was buckwheat noodles with broccoli from Bittman, Food Matters. These noodles were so, so easy and so good, and were just inhaled by the small one. (They are teriyaki noodles and asparagus in the cook book.) I adapted the recipe a little, which is to say, I left out the ingredients I didn't have around.

8-10 ounces buckwheat soba noodles
4 cups cut up broccoli
1 bunch green onions, chopped
1 tablespoon each garlic and ginger, minced
2 tablespoons or less oil (I used canola, I think)
1/4 cup soy sauce
2 tablespoons honey mixed with 2 tablespoons water (this is a mirin substitute)

1. Mix the soy sauce and honey/water
2. Bring some water to boil for the noodles.
3. In a large pan suitable for stir-frying cook the broccoli with the oil, ginger, garlic and green onions. I added the oil and when it was hot added the broccoli and green onions, cooked until it was starting to turn bright, then added the ginger and garlic, cooked a minute or so more, then added some water and covered to steam until the broccoli was all bright green but still crunchy. Take off the cover, turn off the heat.
4. Cook the noodles; mine took 3 minutes after the water returned to a boil. Don't overcook them.
5. Turn the heat to medium-ish under the broccoli. Add the cooked noodles, about 1/2 cup of cooking water, and the soy sauce mixture. Stir around and cook until everything is mixed well and heated through and the sauce has reduced slightly; this worked out to be about another 5-6 minutes. That's it, you're done.

Next time I would add lots more vegetables, at least red pepper and onion, and maybe carrots too. Bittman calls for adding some shelled edamame at the end with the noodles and I'm sure that would be good. I didn't have any edamame in the freezer this week for some reason.

Liam ate salmon and veg. last night (he's not a big lentil fan) and a little more salmon with his broccoli and noodles tonight. Loved it all, especially the noodles.

It's raining, raining, raining this weekend and predicted to continue. The front fence collapsed because the new retaining wall in the front has been so delayed by weather. So, now I guess we'll be getting a new fence too. Great.

Happy Birthday to Auntie Chris today. What is to say about Auntie Chris? She is simply the best sister, auntie, naval officer, a person could ever encounter. We are so blessed and lucky to have her in our lives.

My first week as a vegan

2011-03-11T22:05:00.000-08:00

In my grocery store, the organic spinach apparently comes with lady bugs included.

On Monday I started a 30-day vegan "cleansing" project. This basically involves not eating animal foods (meat, fish, eggs, dairy) and eating whole plant-based foods instead, as much as possible. For me, these structured events are a good way to re-baseline my food habits and cravings. I've done them before, but this year's guided on-line version organized by this person here, is truly compassionate and impressive and I'm really enjoying the materials and community. It makes me more conscious of my commitments to myself.

At the same time, I'm pretty casual about it. In my first week "animal free," I've eaten 2 small pieces of chicken (while traveling for work and eating late in a hotel), 2 eggs, some small chocolates that I get in the grocery store checkout line and just don't feel the need to give up, and a little bit of chicken pot pie when GoGo and GG invited us to stay for dinner and that was what was on the table. Oh, and 2 small buckwheat pancakes when GoGo and GG invited us to the Fat Tuesday pancake supper at their church. (Buckwheat pancakes w/out butter are not as good as buckwheat pancakes with butter, I'll tell you that.) Also, I'm still working the loaf sprouted wheat bread that was in the kitchen when this started for my morning peanut butter toast, and while I haven't looked it doubtless has some small amount of dairy in it.

On the other hand, I've eaten: massive amounts of broccoli, a butternut squash, cooked white beans with garlic, brown rice, an apple and/or a banana every day, tofu and vegetables from the veg lunch spot, an entire huge container of raw spinach, lentils, almonds, popcorn (with soy sauce, my favorite), and at least 300 ounces of water. And I haven't eaten any: cookies, lattes, cheese, croissants (we have the best french bakery here, really you should visit), pasta, chocolate (other than those grocery store checkout line candies), or alcohol, I've cut coffee by more than half, to only one cup a day, and upped the water intake. And I feel lots better. And my skin is clear, and I wake up with more energy. And I've lost a pound or two (probably not for reals, but at least on the scale). So, I'll stick with it for another 3 weeks and at the end, I'll work eggs and fish and meat back in as I come across them. I don't feel any particular urge to be a vegan full time, but these little vacations from animal foods are really illustrative and helpful, at least for me. Try it for a day. Or maybe just a few meals a week.

Another illustration: Liam asked me the other day, "well, how do they get the hamburger from the cows." In a total and complete cop out I said, "we'll talk about that some other time." And, because it was late and he was tired, and there was cold milk, fig newton, and story time in the offing, he---for once---let it go and hasn't brought it up again. One more reason to eat quinoea and kale.

A small trip was made

2011-03-08T21:44:00.000-08:00

We visited my sister in Monterey, CA last weekend. It was lovely. Just lovely. Sunny and warm (especially compared to here), and the ocean, oh the ocean, my favorite place always. She is close to the beach. We aquarium-ed; walked in the nearby nature reserve ("Mommy! I went on two hikes in one day!); went to the beach, put our feet in the ocean and marveled at waves, rocks, purple and pink seaweed, and hermit crabs; picked up shells; watched seals, sea lions, otters; ate breakfast out.

First airplane ride for the small one and he handled it well; handled it all well, and so far as I can tell had a wonderful time. Thanks Auntie Chris. We'll be back, I hope.

Photos are: airplane; kelp forest; the blue pool on the second "hike"; Auntie Chris and Liam come up the hill on the first hike (He went all the way down and all the way up the pocket beach you see at the bottom left is the beach he is throwing rocks at in the second photo); Liam throws rocks at the bottom, first hike; Mommy and Liam look at a tide pool.

Unrelated: I started a 30 day on-line guided vegan project, I guess it's a project, yesterday and I don't have enough words to say how impressed I am with the materials and how much I am enjoying this change. Thank you Heather.

Snow!

2011-02-25T21:08:00.000-08:00

So, we finally got some snow and have been busy making the most of it. It snowed a little Wednesday night, then all morning Thursday, and on and off the rest of the day. About 5 or 6 inches altogether. Today dawned really, really sunny and cold, with schools (and therefore daycare) canceled again.

Liam's first thought on getting outside yesterday was, apparently, "Snow Angel!" Mine was some version of, "Oh my God, you couldn't pay me enough to lie down in that snow." So, our first and last snow of the winter and I think we got it all done: snow angels, check; pulling the sled up hill to the elementary school where the sledding is, check; sledding, check; snow person making, check; snow ice cream making, also check (Liam: "Mommy, can I just have regular ice cream?"); catching snowflakes on face and tongue, check; snow shoveling, check; dog going crazy in snow, check; Liam pretending to be the dog going crazy in snow, also check; stare at the garden and say a prayer for the peas, kale and fava beans planted less than a week ago, check; wet snow stuff all over the kitchen, check, check, check.

As of tonight we're grateful to be tucked up safely warm and dry (well, as warm as a drafty 110-year old house with original windows gets, which is to say: wearing sweaters but not sleeping in hats), preparing for tomorrow's forecast: big thaw. To apparently be followed by big rain. And then, doubtless, big mud.

Liam doesn't care for hot chocolate (this is so strange I don't even know what else to say about it), but I promise I have consumed enough for both of us. I miss Will all the time, but acutely when we have days like this: when I get to experience a little peak of what snow is like to someone who still wants to lie down in it and make snow angels.

So it goes

2011-02-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

Today the NYT published an article about phase 3 clinical trial results for VX-770, a Vertex drug in development for treatment of the underlying genetic defect that causes cystic fibrosis. The results are very promising -- both in the specific improvements in lung function and other measures, but, perhaps more importantly, in demonstrating that the drug is acting on the sodium transport defect that is at the root of CF. One of the main ways CF is diagnosed is through sweat tests. Will used to repeat the story of an old Swiss/German folk saying, something like: "Sad the child who tastes salty when kissed, for he is cursed and soon must die." People taking the the Vertex drug had less salt in their sweat. Much less.

This particular medication is desinged to help one of the less common CF gene mutations; but Vertex has a similar medication in development, based in part on this research, that would treat the most common mutation; the one Will had. It's a hopeful day for the CF community. Hopeful.

The pea brush is in

2011-02-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

Pea brush -- waiting for peas. It's still very wet and we've had ten days of on and off frosts (but nothing too deep) with more expected this week. Even though I chipped ice off the hummingbird feeder this morning the seeds could probably go in now, but I'll wait just a little while longer. Shallots went in today; that was enough. Peas will go in next week, and favas too this year. Followed quickly by carrots, the studier lettuces, kale, chard, nasturtiums. So much goes in in the early spring here that it seems there will be nothing left to plant in summer; but of course there will be. In the meantime, we have one more overwintered collard plant to eat, and a few measly shoots from the purple broccoli, which may be too wet and bug-y to bother with. The normal routines of the garden are a comfort; happens pretty much the same, pretty much every year. It tithes to the past even as it looks fundamentally to the future.

Liam and I went to the "flower store" (garden center) and got him kid-sized gardening gloves. He is so proud to pull weeds, use the big loppers to cut the pea brush (with help and close watching, of course), and put the brush in the ground. He is very excited about his new gloves "just like mommy's," except mine don't have race cars or some kind of creature from the Toy Story franchise on them, thank God. What is it with kids stuff, why is it (almost) all the way it is? We also got some primrose and pansies for the pots, and a small shamrock plant for inside. Liam carefully supervised the placement of each one, and then watered them within an inch of their lives.

Somehow I have begun to sort through books. This is not something I planned to do, it just started. I think Will must have had 500 books, maybe more. I'm not great at these kinds of estimates. Four or five tall, wide bookcases full, at least. This on top of my books. Even thought I managed to weed through the duplicates (there were many) when we combined households, there are still lots of books in every room. This isn't a bad thing, of course, but they're not particularly organized in any way. And except for the obvious stuff there's a lot I don't even really know what's there.

It's a hard thing and sad. Will resisted sending any book out of the house, under any circumstance. But, there is just so much that I'm not sure I want. The entire canon of what I think of as grim, despondent, somewhat disturbing fiction. . .everything by Delillo, everything by Chuck Palahniuk, Cormac McCarthy, those really sad Danish authors who's names I can't spell. Everything by that guy who wrote Trainspotting. And more and more I've never heard of but suspect by looking that it would be grim. Or worse. And it goes one from there. A giant, stack of Murakami. A giant stack of Pynchon. A shelf and more of Augustes Burroughs. David Foster Wallace. Massive amounts of Kafka. Everything by John Irving. David Eggers. And so, so much more. Half undone now and spread over tables and boxes all over the house. Dusty.

The thing is, I don't want to read grim, disturbing fiction. I can barely make it through a New Yorker every once in a while. Any time soon, I'm unlikely to get to any more Delillo than I've already read, let along any more Pynchon. (I know they are not all grim; and maybe some not grim at all. Please don't argue, the point is I'm not going to read them. Judge me if it makes you feel better.) But, but I think, should I save them? Organize them somehow so when Liam is trying to figure out who his father was, maybe they'll offer some clue, somehow unlock something I can't explain. Something more than: he was smart, he read things---lots of things---and he thought about them. Liked talk about them and make connections. Fully half have little slips of paper, post-it notes, this or that marking where he was reading when he last set it down. He read and re-read. (Aside from being overwhelmed with working full time, Liam, and helping Will, one of the reasons I pretty much have stopped reading is I could always count on him to have one or two things going at once, and to talk about them with me.)

As much as I had one, that was my plan: get the books undercontrol and put them somewhere. But now, who knows. They are lose in the house, I don't know where they'll land.

Not the valentines I planned

2011-02-13T22:08:00.000-08:00

We make valentines with Liam every year. Well, this year, of course, it was just me and him. Our little family. I had an idea that he could use this fancy M. Stewart glitter in really pretty colors to embellish the hearts. We mocked up one a week or so ago. Looks great. Liam created random sized patches of glue on a cut out heart, sprinkled on the glitter, and away we went. Two or three colors of glitter, plus the heart color, looked great.

But, when it came to actually making his valentines for school he didn't want to use that glitter. He wanted to use his glitter glue pens. How he loves glitter glue pens. I am continuously covered in little bits of glitter and glue. Always. So, this is what we ended up with. They're actually pretty cute. We'll write the name of each child and "love Liam" on each one in marker.

He does like to participate in the making; last year's valentines are my favorite. But even that first year when he was just 18 months old, he had ideas about which valentines should go to which kids and teachers. Sweet.

No owl update yet; we've had pouring rain in the evening Saturday and again tonight. Although I did hear him/her again this morning around 4AM. I think it is either a Western Screech-Owl or a Northern Saw-whet Owl, which would be cool. Either would be cool. I am obsessed with the idea of an owl nest box. Of course, the trees are in my neighbor's yard. . .and owl nest-boxes are notoriously bad to clean. . .details.

Stay tuned, I think we have an owl

2011-02-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

During my not sleeping times at night, I've been hearing things. Starts around 10:00, if I'm listening. This has been going on over a month now. It's something outside, I thought a squirrel, a. . .I have no idea. . .what could it be.   It says Oooo [space] Oooo [space] Oo, Oo, Oo, Oo [fast and descending]. It has sort of a high voice (not chirpy high, more like alto).

Umm, 3-years of field biology in college resulting in, wait for it, a degree that is more wildlife biology than anything else. For a month I've been listen to this wondering, wondering until day before yesterday I realized, of course, it's an owl. For the love of God.   So last night I tried to record it, but I got too cold, and it went off somewhere, or it decided to clam up when it saw a clearly crazy woman in her PJs out video taping in the pitch dark from the back patio. (Also, it was after 10:00; Liam is going through a phase where he wants to review the major points of Will's death every night, I was tired and sad and didn't want to wait around.)

I listened more closely last night though and I think I have a plan for tonight. It starts out in the mash up of fir and hemlock across the alley right out the back door. (Does it live there? How exciting!) Then, I'm pretty sure it moved to the 100 year old apple tree for at least a little while.   It must fly around!

Full moon will be here end of next week. Stay calm owl, I am coming for you with my video camera and my link to the registry of bird songs at Cornell University (priceless), and we are going to get to know one another.

We are growing a little boy

2011-02-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

He is sweet and funny, with a tendency towards anxiety and concern that I hope dissipates as he gains experience. He built this all himself. He very much enjoys building these days, with whatever is available: blocks, legos, couch cushions, whatever.

He has elaborate make believe events daily. As I type this he is taking everything off the living room floor (including the blocks and books he put there in the first place) and moving it to the kitchen to "make the water better for salmon." "See Mommy! This dock [books] is not good for salmon, the workers are going to take it out. Now, they have to put it in the stack. . .now they have to take this big thing [footstool] out. They are making it much better for salmon. Mommy, see, salmon like that."

He likes to sing, and makes up songs. He has a sweet tooth, but also will reliably ask for seconds on broccoli. He is increasingly independent. Today while I was outside he tired of his TV show, turned off the TV, went into the kitchen and set up the watercolor paints all by himself. Then he painted. When I came in he was at the sink again washing paint brushes and his hands. He would play in water in the sink all day, but he won't take a bath or wash his hair for love or money.

Today we visited a preschool. In the fall he will be four and in preschool somewhere. I hope in this wonderful place we visited today (more on that some other time). If not, we have a back up choice. If that doesn't work out, we have a another backup choice. He will be settled in preschool in the fall, in the place where he'll stay through kindergarten and maybe longer, depending. We move forward.

Home

2010-12-31T21:17:00.000-08:00

I hope that 2011 brings all people a safe, warm place to sleep, food enough to eat and share, work for hands and mind, and love to give and receive. Everything is temporary -- sadness and happiness alike, none stays. No matter the sorrow or pain, I know that we are blessed and lucky. Happiest of new years to all visitors to this space.

Happy birthday to me

2010-12-22T21:00:00.000-08:00

Today for my birthday I wanted to give you all this poem by Philip Larkin (From Collected Poems, which you should buy if you like poetry at all.); and this one by Christian Barter (From The Singers I Prefer, which you also should buy.), because the Larkin poem always reminds me of it; and this last one, which Will sent me a long time ago, just because.

Whenever Will had a high fever I would think about the Barter poem, and about how when I first sent it to Will so many years ago he wrote back immediately that it had made him cry---such a perfect description.

They are long---sorry. If you don't like poetry don't read them, but the Larkin poem especially, I bet, will haunt you if you do. I think of it almost daily, the perfect cautionary tale.

The Mower
by Philip Larkin

The mower stalled, twice; kneeling, I found
A hedgehog jammed up against the blades,
Killed. It had been in the long grass.

I had seen it before, and even fed it, once.
Now I had mauled its unobtrusive world
Unmendably. Burial was no help:

Next morning I got up and it did not.
The first day after a death, the new absence
Is always the same; we should be careful

Of each other, we should be kind
While there is still time.

*************************
Something Else
by Christian Barter

I know a woman who calls me
every week or so when she has something
on her mind and starts by saying,
"I have something to talk about
but let's start by talking about
something else." It helps her get it out.
So I ask her how she is and she says
okay and tells me about some poet
or politician she's met and how
he wasn't at all what she expected
or about the DC weather,
the traffic jams, the dirty Metro.
Sometimes she never gets around to her point
at all, but ends by saying,
"Now I don't want to talk about it
anymore." Last week I had a fever
for four days and the world
took on a kind of flickering darkness—
it seemed so thin, so insubstantial,
not the kind of place a person could live.
This guy who came to the card game
last night, he says he dreams
of a dead friend all the time,
this friend walks out of a black alley,
walks always in a kind of shadow.
I asked him what it's like to be dead,
the guy said, fumbling a face-down card,
and he said it's not a place, heaven,
it's a feeling, the feeling of knowing
everything you never knew. Then the friend
told him one of the numbers to play
this week in Megabucks. Sometimes, though,
she does get around to what's on her mind—
a sadness for her little sister, killed
in a wreck, or a fear that we
won't see each other again, won't ever
feel whatever that was we felt when we
were making love. I don't know if we will.
I don't know if she will ever see
her little sister again except in dreams,
which is somewhere, I guess.
The number was eight.

*************************
[Anonymous poem found in Laundromat]

By accident, you put
Your money in my
Machine (#4)
By accident, I put
My money in another
Machine (#6)
On purpose, I put
Your clothes in the
Empty machine full
Of water and no
Clothes.

It was lonely.

Solstice

2010-12-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

Our small solstice fire. On the solstice we eat dinner by candle light and (starting this year) have a small fire in which we burn our hopes and wishes for the upcoming year. Liam wished for "fish." (I have no idea where this came from.) And then he didn't want to burn his wish.

"Mommy, if it goes into the fire and up in the air, will it come back?"
"Well, not exactly. We believe that if you burn your wish on the winter solstice it puts it out into the world in a very special way, so everything, everywhere will know your wish and be able to help you with it."
"I don't want to."

Okay. So, maybe not quite the thing for a three and a half year old, especially one with his second cold in three weeks. We taped his wish to the refrigerator. Fish.

My sister is here. We are trying to enjoy Christmas. Trying to be very gentle with ourselves. I am not sending Christmas cards. Not yet ready to sort through the last photos and movies on the camera, or any of the other things that eventually must be done. Not writing the thank you notes I should write, yet. Still ambushed by sadness daily -- an ad for a movie I know Will would like to see, he loved movies, a scrap of paper with a doctor's phone number, the sky in early morning, a long drive, something I know he would think was funny, something I want to ask him..

Someone wrote me and said: "we'll be thinking of you and your son as you make your lives together in this new way." That's really what it is, it's a process of finding ourselves, our new selves, together and separately.

Will made the bowl we're using as a fire pit. Years ago, before I knew him, he did a lot of metal work and sculpture and we're very glad to have a lot of the results -- the fire bowl included. And we really miss Will.

(Auntie Chris lit the fire by flashlight. A thoroughly modern solstice.)

A few things

2010-12-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

This is the picture we used on Will's memorial card; he painted it years ago and it had been put away, but I found it when trying to go through all the art supplies and preserve what we can for Liam. It seemed perfect for the card. On the back we put one of my favorite blessings.

May the blessing of the rain be on you—
the soft sweet rain.
May it fall upon your spirit
so that all the little flowers may

spring up,
and shed their sweetness on the air.
May the blessing of the great rains

be on you,
may they beat upon your spirit
and wash it fair and clean,
and leave there many a shining pool
where the blue of heaven shines,
and sometimes a star.

Fitting since it has rained going on four inches or so around here since Friday.

This is the link to Will's obituary. The service was well attended and lovely, so that was a relief. My sister when home to California for a week today; she'll be back for two weeks at Christmas and then we're well and truly on our own for a while.

The family dinner after the service went okay, I hope. No yelling or crying, so I guess that's good. We have lots of leftover food.

The dog is taking it very hard. She went to dog daycare and then my parents' on Friday. Yesterday she came home lethargic and sick to her stomach. Finally around 5:00 I took her to the emergency vet. Pancreatitis*, they said, probably caused by stress and grief. Rest, IV fluids, and various medications to treat pain and nausea are needed. Fifteen hundred dollars later (late tonight or maybe tomorrow morning) she can come home to rest here. Pray it doesn't become recurrent. Poor dog. I hope it doesn't make me a completely horrible person that I find it sad, worrisome, and annoying in equal measures.

*Mildly ironic because people with CF often get this, although Will never did, at least not officially.

No better way to say it

2010-12-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy. All you need is love.

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Rest your earthly body easy John Lennon, your voice and your spirit live on and on.

Thank you everyone for your kind wishes and compassion – it means a lot to me. Today was making of memorial cards for Will’s service. Tomorrow is making of food for the family dinner. Friday is the service and reception and dinner. Saturday is two weeks. After that is after that.

Thank you.

New bed

2010-12-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

This was Will's hospital bed at home. There's no easy way to think it and no good way to communicate it but to be out with it: Will died at home on November 27 at about 1:22 in the morning. I know the time because I had been there with him for the past 48 hours or so and I had my head on his shoulder and my hand over his heart when it fluttered and stopped, fluttered and stopped, and then just stopped. We had been giving him medication every hour through his IV port trying to ease his suffering. It had been a long two and a half days.

I woke Will's sister. Called my sister downstairs. She trained as an EMT (in addition to her zillion other useful skills) and confirmed what I already knew. We called Will's parents. They came over (I think they had left only hours before). We called the funeral people. They came over. Turns out they are neighbors (about 4 houses down) and thought this would be a good time to let me know how they had tried to buy this house too, but we had got it right out from under them. I said, "Oh, umm, sorry? I'm sure your house is lovely too." They went away and took Will with them. And now he's just gone.

What happened you might ask. Well, nothing really and, of course, everything. Will was in the hospital in mid-October. His decline in lung function was continuing and he was not recovering. He was increasingly short-of-breath all the time. Going up the stairs became something to be carefully planned and limited to once a day, if at all. Will didn't want to die in the hospital. At the end of October his doctor of going-on twenty years recommended hospice care. We tried that, but they kicked us out when the medications Will needed for palliative care proved too expensive, or something. That part is still a little mysterious to me.

Will went back to the hospital in mid-November. Through the grace of God and big, big efforts on the part of Will's hospital doctor (pray you are tended by this woman or her twin if you ever get sick, really sick) and his regular doctor, we got him home with put-together palliative care and all the oxygen they can put in a house on November 22. He had really good days on Tuesday and Wednesday. Wednesday my sister arrived. Will sat a the table and ate dinner, played with Liam and Chris. Planned for Thanksgiving. On Thursday morning he started out okay, but then almost immediately called me from the kitchen to "help." More oxygen, he said. We turned up all the oxygen we had. Gave the medications we knew to give. A nurse came over. We were all still planning at this point -- how to make this set up work as best as possible, what would Will want from the nurse over time, that type of stuff. We thought it was just a bad morning. But by mid-day he was getting worse, not better. By late afternoon we had paged the hospital doctor and got new instructions, been told this was probably the beginning of the end. Sent Liam to my parents. Waived off Thanksgiving dinner, half cooked.

By Friday morning he had pretty much stopped talking. By Friday afternoon he couldn't swallow at all. More new instructions. We gave medication through the IV port.

I don't know what else to write. I wish it were different. We're planning a memorial service for Friday. People have been amazingly kind. Liam is steady -- happy and sad. The worst is when he says: Mommy! We used to play [whatever] when Daddy was still alive. No, the worst is when he asks: Mommy? Will Daddy be back in the spring? No, the worst is when he asks: Mommy? Does Daddy still have the big, big sickness even though he died? No, the worst is yet to come. His worst days are long in the future. So we bend towards it, trying to think of what we can do now to make those days easier, more understandable for him.

I'm not sure what I'll do with this space. There is much going on. Much remembering of Will. Much growing from three towards four. We probably will be back here in some form, someday. In the meantime, I thank anyone reading for helping me to have a space to remember what I want to remember, in the moment but also held apart. Thank you.

Tigers and bears

2010-10-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

Liam requested a tiger costume for Halloween. He's been pretty interested in tigers this year and has seen baby tigers at the zoo. About a month ago (I need lots of time for these things.) we went to the fabric store and he choose the fleece. Please don't tell him it is leopard. He has declared it tiger. I had a pattern that was a sort of footed pajama approach. . .you know, I bet you had something like that your mother made you for Halloween, I know we did. Well, footed pajamas went by the way in favor of pants form a home traced pattern, made a month ago and worn weekly since, and a tiger "coat" which is the top of the pj pattern cut long and finished. I don't know why the ears look so rabbit-y. They are the tiger ears from the pattern, maybe I was supposed to gather the base or something. I may fuss with the ears a little tomorrow. It still needs the zipper and the hem, but that's it: basically done a whole week early. Thank God. Fleece fake fur is horrible to sew.

Like most things I have time to make these days, it's pretty cobbled together. The hood did not work exactly right and was big enough for me to wear (Cute too!) before I attached it to the jacket. I'm going to have to take in the center seam with safety pins or something because it falls into his eyes, which he doesn't like. There is no way I am ripping a seam on a fleece fur Halloween hood. It is not going to happen, life it too short. Other than the hood in the eyes thing, he thinks it's great. I think the pants and jacket approach is going to be versatile. . .this way in a week when he wants to wear his tiger costume to school next week I can say "Yes!" and he won't be stuck in pjs all day.

Will is sick; his is having an infectious flare up; and his pulmonary failure, and probably lung rejection, is progressing. He was in the hospital a few weeks ago, home now on iv abx and inhaled abx and even though he's almost two weeks into treatment he started running a fever again yesterday. His lung function is way down -- he's short of breath with any activity (i.e., sitting or standing up makes him out of breath), and sometimes at rest. He's keeping it together but tired of being sick.

Our first star chart

2010-09-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

We've been talking about getting a cat. It's a big deal to me. Most times the thought of being responsible for keeping another living creature alive makes me tear up. At the same time, we are cat people. The dog is an aberration. I think a cat is in our (near) future. We're looking at this one. My only criterion so far is that it must be orange.

I got to thinking that maybe Liam could help take care of the pets. He used to feed Mollie most mornings but the habit has fallen off lately. So, we made our first star chart.

As we made the chart we discussed all the ways we take care of Mollie. Liam noted that one of the ways we take care of Mollie is by telling her to"be quiet" and "go lie down." Oh dear. At least he also got feeding, petting gently, and letting outside.

Overall, the whole chart idea was pretty well received and he earned his first star by feeding Mollie her dinner tonight. That's about it; I'll let you know how it goes. During the making we had this exchange:

Mommy: Here's how it works, we'll put a sticker on each day that you help take care of Mollie, and at the end of a week, if there is a sticker in every day we'll have a special treat.
Liam: Ooooohhhhh. Like a vitamin? I want my vitamin.

Still with the vitamins. His favorite food.

Overdue update

2010-09-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

We are fine. Busy end-of summer time. And my work got busy for the first time all year at the same time so, you know. Since I was last in this space we have:

Enjoyed a visit from Will's sister and her family and survived Liam and cousin K making footprints and hand prints on the back patio. And later that week, enjoyed a visit from my sister. Who is coming back for Thanksgiving this year, and already I can hardly wait.

Worked on our bedside manner. He has a ways to go. (The stethoscope is real, we have a number of them around from when Will had chemo and they would put a dedicated-to-his-germs-only stethoscope in his hospital room. We brought them home for reasons I still don't really know.)

Played with boats. All of them. A lot.

Hosted at least one birthday party.

Wished a lot of days would never end. And lots of stuff I was too busy doing/enjoying to take pictures of.

We also had our pictures taken by a real photographer. The remarkable Clane Gessel who, in addition to his regular gigs, takes photos of CF-families. So, if, at long last you want to see what we really look like, all cleaned and photoshop-ed up, you can see Clane's pictures here. If you are getting married or whatever, and want photos, call Clane; he's the best.

More soon.

Go to chocolate cupcakes

2010-08-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would become a person who makes chocolate cupcakes at least once a month I would have called them a liar -- totally failing to predict any of it, the rise of cupcakes as a food trend, Will, Liam, the whole thing. And, so, here I am, a chocolate cupcake maker.

There's a story, no doubt apocryphal, about our Governor from back when she was still the Attorney General, or maybe before that. How she would call people up at 10:00 at night to discuss this or that about whatever issue, or make sure they were going to actually wear a tie to the meetings the next day (I've heard it both ways), and all the while she was making cupcakes for something or other for her daughter. This is not an invitation to associate, I'm not nearly as smart, and certainly not as driven or ambitious as our Governor. I guess though the Governor and I do have that in common: we both work, we both raise a family, we both make cupcakes. It's some kind of solidarity.

At any rate, this batch of cupcakes was made on Saturday, no late night required. I made them while Liam was at Sand in the City with my parents; Liam and I frosted them together in the afternoon. They were in honor of a visit from Will's sister and her family. Liam's cousin is about 2 and I have yet to meet anyone in the 1 to 4 year old set who doesn't think a cupcake is about the world's most perfect food.

We use, exclusively, the Martha Stewart "one bowl chocolate cupcakes" and they are just great. Not too sweet or chocolate-y, they come out right every time, you can half the recipe no problem, and they really do take only one bowl. We make them mini-sized (half a recipe makes about 30 mini cupcakes, which is plenty) and frost them with butter cream frosting, generally in all different colors. I credit the fact that Liam can pretty reliably predict that yellow and red make orange entirely to cupcake frosting. Although, when I made them for Liam's school-birthday-party in June I frosted them all with white and colored sprinkles to prevent a riot over who got the last one frosted in blue or orange or whatever.

More later this week including an update, with photos, on the great house painting extravaganza of 2010.

Planes and cars

2010-08-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

Will and Liam like to watch YouTube videos of planes, trains, big trucks, etc. Sometimes this gets a little out of hand. A few days ago Will made the mistake of showing Liam a video of a plane landing on a car on the freeway (Will tells me no one is hurt and it is made up, but I haven't seen it.) Liam was immediately obsessed and has been landing the airplanes on the little cars ever since. Today when he wanted to watch it I told him he wasn't old enough for that video, and we had decided not to watch it anymore. He was not happy, but I think it's better this way. Good grief.

Nature Walk

2010-08-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday Liam and I walked down our neighborhood greenbelt/trail to the new park at the beach where Liam decided to put water in his hat (inspired no doubt by this storybook where Mrs. Teaberry fills her hat with water and pours it on Tabby the cat's head to cool off on a hot day), looked at the big ship, ate a snack, and walked all the way home, picking blackberries along the way. (So good!) It's about a mile round trip, I'd say, and Liam walked the whole way.

This weekend we're going to do it again and may even get brave and take the dog with us; and a bucket for blackberries, I have ideas about jam. Wish us luck! I hope you all find a way to get outside this weekend.

Creepy Crawly

2010-08-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

Will's family has a tradition of the "creepy crawly" which is a very nice animal unless you make it mad.

Happy Birthday Will

2010-08-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

Forty-two years is a lot of years. I'm glad to have spend this last one with you.

We had our small at home family celebration last night; the bigger party will be tonight, at Will's parents.

Ours featured a dozen balloons (I thought Liam's face was going to crack open he smiled so wide when he saw them in the car), all of the little animal candles we could find, steaks, and summer vegetables. A few small gifts. Liam choose to give Will Tinker Toys ("maybe Daddy will share them with me") which was okay, since they both really do enjoy playing with them.

Will's been not feeling great lately, but remains pretty stable all told. I'll post a real update about all that sometime soon.

Liam gave the Tinker Toys right away, as soon as we walked in the door, but the other presents were given after dinner. Liam helped Will open all the presents -- and then he decided he might try to read to Will from one of his new books.

In the evening we play in the yard & Liam channels house painters

2010-08-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

Truly, I don't know what we did before the great yard makeover. Liam is out in the yard continuously. Tonight it was a lot of walking on the logs and, as usual, swinging.

Painters start on the house tomorrow. We have been saving for this since we moved in three years ago. A long time coming. I hope it looks better than great when it's done. Tonight we were talking with Liam about the painters and it went like this.

Me: Liam the painters are going to start working on the house tomorrow.
Liam: Whyyyy? Who?
Me: To make the house look nice. The head painter's name is Murph.
Liam: I'm Murph, I'm a painter.
Me: Hi Murph.
Liam: (I'm not making this up) Sorry! Sorry, we're running a little late. That's right. We're running a little late. We're not going to paint the house today. We'll paint it tomorrow.

Thanks Murph.

Get the preschooler to the table on time

2010-08-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

Updated: I checked back to this time last year; Will has been feeling pretty sick this week and I was trying to remember when he started getting sick last year. (A: exactly this time, pretty much to the day.) I was reminded how much Liam has changed in a year. Last year he was still using half sign language and some half-words for talking. Now, it's more words than you can shake a stick at and just this past weekend I asked him if he remembered how he used to say "more" and "please" when he was a baby and he had no idea what I was talking about; I had to show him the signs. Every time I get the notion to stop this writing I'm reminded how nice it is to be able to look back.

I've decided Liam is a preschooler now. I think; now that he's three. At any rate. One of my (many) struggles as a (working-full-time-outside-the-home) parent is getting dinner to the table on time and then getting Liam to the table to eat it without an epic struggle. Remembering that 5:15 pm is not the time of day when I am at my highest and most mindful best, it often goes something like this:

Me: Liam, dinner is almost ready, 5 minutes, please wrap up what you're doing.
Liam: (Ignores) or "I'm playing! I'm playing! I'm playing!"
Me: Okay, finish up your playing and get ready to take a break for dinner.
Me: Liam, 2 minutes until dinner, get ready please.
Liam: No, no, no, no, no; I don't want to eat. I'm playing.
Me: Well, we're going to eat dinner, so wrap it up please.
Me: Liam, dinner time, it's on the table, come on.
Liam: (Crying fit.)

Last week the child developmental specialist I see to help us know how best to talk with Liam about Will's sickness and hospitalizations suggested something I should have thought of on my own, that we give Liam a dinnertime ritual to help him transition from play to the table. (Her first idea has always been: almost no kids this age eat dinner at the table; don't fight it, this is a battle for when he is five. But, since dinner at the table is one of the only parenting outcomes Will has requested, I told her we had to try.)

So, Friday, we started "candle time." Now our conversations go more like this:

Me: Liam, almost dinner time, 5 minutes, please finish up what your doing so you can get the candles out.
Liam: Is it ready? Is it on the table? Is it time? Daddy, Daddy, will you help me get the candles?

Seriously. I don't know if it will stick, but so far it's about that good a transformation. We still have trouble keeping him at the table, but now at least we can get him there. We use these candles given to us by Will's sister. Liam loves them more than words can express. The giraffe has already been glued twice.

Tonight's dinner was a weeknight favorite featuring leftover chicken: quesadillas. They are the easiest thing to make. Get some flour tortillas (we use whole wheat), thinly slice some cheese (we use cheddar or monterey jack or whatever is around), slice some green onion and some tomato if you have it. Shred up the leftover chicken. Make a tortilla sandwich with the chicken, cheese, etc. Pan fry/grill (use very little oil and only a medium hot pan) until golden and melt-y. Serve with sour cream for the non-calorie-counting set and a side of whatever vegetables you have around (tonight green beans and carrot sticks; often it's black beans and sauteed squash). Totally toddler approved. Will likes them too.

Learning the Aunts

2010-08-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

I have this photo from my mother's wedding up in our guest-sewing-art-room/office. It generally has lived on my desk and this is as close to a desk as I have at this house, so. It has me and Auntie Chris, and my mother (of course), and her two sisters in it; and boy do we all look alike. (Well, it was a bunch of years ago now, so none of us really look like that anymore, but, whatever.) Liam is fascinated with it. A few months ago he undertook to learn all the names. He'll get there eventually. My favorite is "Auntie Grandma."

Rainy day today -- makes me think that winter with a 3-year-old is going to be L. O. N. G.

People are sweet & you can help

2010-08-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

I got this message (as part of a longer message) from someone I went to high school with and recently re-found on Facebook.

"I just remembered something I wanted to tell you. At our food Co-op, there are these jars. If you bring your own bag, you get a bean to put in a jar. There are various and sundry jars, each bean represents a donation the Co-op will make to whichever jar: Humane Society, Food Bank, and the like. There's one for CF research, and A [her daughter] always always puts her beans in there. I've told her about your family, and she wants to help."

Thank you S and A. That does help. Every one who raises awareness and everyone who gives towards research for a cure helps. Everyone who brings dinner, or walks the dog, or drives to doctors appointments or the hospital, or babysits, or offers their thoughts and intentions helps. It all helps. Thank you.

*****************
In other news, Frank Deford (NPR sports commentator) the other day did a story in which he touched on presumed consent. This is a policy where, upon death, people are presumed to agree to transplantation of their organs unless they have left specific instructions otherwise. It's a good idea. In the meantime, please register to become an organ donor and make your intentions known to your family. That helps too. A lot.

Grilled Pizza!

2010-08-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

We are eating a lot of pizza made on the grill these days. It started a few weeks ago and shows no signs of slowing down. Seems like on all the mom-being/home-making/child-raising blogs I read they are grilling pizza these days, so we're in (really) good company. See, for example, here, and here.

Here's how we do it, the full-time-working-mother-has-to-have-dinner-on-the-table-fast way.

On Saturday or Sunday (or Monday night, or whenever but not the day we want to eat the pizza), we make the dough. I use the basic pizza dough from Mark Bittman, basically. It works just fine. Three cups flour (I use 1 white 2 whole wheat), 1 tsp yeast, some glugs of olive oil (probably 1/8 - 1/3 a cup, this is more than Bittman calls for) and 1 to 1 1/4 cup warm water. Mix all the dry ingredients, including the yeast. Add 1 cup water and the oil. Add enough more water to make a dough. Kneed until smooth and let rise. Punch it down and put it in a plastic bag in the fridge until you're ready to use it. We don't add salt (Will's mom is low salt), but Bittman says you should. It works best if you take it out of the refrigerator as soon as you decide you're going to grill pizza, so it starts to warm up a little before you have to work with it.

When you're ready to make them, get the grill really hot. We make these individual sized. Pull off hunks of dough about the size of a baseball and stretch them out. Because you used some extra olive oil in the dough and the grill is smoking hot, no need to oil. Put them on the grill. Turn down the heat to medium high. Let them cook until the bottom is done and the edges are starting to firm up. Flip them. Now you're looking at a cooked side and the raw side is down on the grill. Top with sauce, cheese, etc. and drizzle with just a little good tasting olive oil. Put the grill lid down for a few minutes until everything on top of the pizza looks melt-y and the bottom is cooked and, voila, you're done! I guess it's more flat bread with toppings than pizza.

We've been sticking pretty close to tomato sauce from a jar, fresh mozzarella and/or ricotta, and basil. Sometimes we add caramelized peppers and onions. I have an idea that smoked salmon, corn, goat cheese and basil also would be really, really good, but we haven't tried that yet.

These will be good no matter what you do. Trust me. I have screwed up the making of this pizza every way possible. Grill too hot: done that, you get more char than you want, but it's still really good. Grill not hot enough: done that, you get less char than you want, and it takes a while to cook, but it's still really good and everything melts perfectly. Forget that you have to flip the pizzas over and put the sauce on the raw side. Embarrassing, but you can flip them anyway and the sauce just chars a little. Still really good. They are so, so much better than any pizza you will ever make in your oven, I promise, you really should try this.

Liam pretty much likes them, although his excitement about the prospect of eating pizza surpasses his actual consumption so far.

Because it's summer we pretty much always have the following in the fridge: sauteed zucchini leftover from dinner past, barely cooked green beans good for snacking, carrot sticks. Put one or all of these on the plate with the pizza. Liam eats a lot of carrot sticks. Salad is good too if you have time to make it!

We shall not be moved

2010-07-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

Music for small children as far as I can tell is an interesting mix of some new songs and A LOT of old and older songs and nursery rhymes. On account of this, Liam comes home singing some interesting choices. Lately, we've been hearing a lot of "We Shall Not be Moved." It's pretty interesting; it's an old, old song that has been picked up and used so well by so many. As a spiritual, as a civil rights anthem, as a call to action for fair treatment of all kinds.

Here's a part of Liam's version:

And here's a completely beautiful version by Mississippi John Hurt -- really, you should listen to this, it has some of the sweetest, simplest finger-picking guitar you'll ever hear.

The classic Mavis Staple version, used here as a soundtrack to documentation of the people fighting for fair treatment and elections in Iran. Striking.

I gotta say, I think he could be coming home singing worse things.

In other news: the next new music we're going to buy for Liam is this CD right here, and I don't know about him but I can't wait to hear it. In the TMI department, if I could pick anyone of all time to sound like when I sing, it would for sure be Nathalie Merchant.

First Peach

2010-07-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

If you're lucky, when you return home from a long day east of the mountains, after a 4-hour drive, you will find that the farm-stand just outside of Cashmere sold you some perfect peaches. And you will get to introduce your 3-year old to eating a perfect peach -- leaning over the counter, juice dripping. And after that, you can wash up and go straight to bed.

We've got colds here -- I think Will had it last week, Liam and me now, so we may be a little quiet. Nothing too bad, just a summer cold.

Why we buy toys. . .

2010-07-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

I do not know. Really, a pillow and an imagination is all that is needed. This photo is from a few weeks ago (when we were still having our cold, cold, rainy pre-summer). I can't remember who Liam was pretending to be -- he likes to be "Pilot Joe" who drives the seaplane that lands occasionally at the dock across the channel from my parents' house or assorted other people from his daily life -- only that the pillow was the funniest of hats, ever.

Lately, still, he is being a bat, wearing a blue hooded puppy-dog towel "my blue bat fur" and flying around the house with his mouth open catching bugs.

Go to sleep

2010-07-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned. . .we're working on a project.

The Table

2010-07-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

When Auntie Chris was here at the end of July, one of the many things she did was build us this remarkable patio table and benches. I've had the plan for this table "sturdy picnic table in a weekend from dimensional lumber" torn from a Sunset Magazin e for at least 10 years. I can save stuff -- no fooling.

Auntie Chris made it very beautiful. She chose all the wood -- ceder -- carefully for straightness and interest. She sanded everything a lot. She tried out different combinations for the table top to get one that made the best use of the grain and knots. She finished the top so it will stay clear and the legs to let them weather to ceder gray. She patiently, patiently encouraged Liam to help her set the pegs in the top.

It's built like a bomb shelter and now officially the place we're all going to run to when the next big earthquake comes. (It's only a matter of time.) Takes two grown-ups to lift, our table.

We love our table and love the love and skill with which it was made. We inaugurated it this weekend and the only sad part was that Auntie Chris was back at rocket-scientist school and couldn't be there. We can't wait to eat lots and lots of meals outside for the next 50 years. Hopefully most of them with Auntie Chris in attendance.

How to see bats, sort of

2010-07-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

To see bats, you have to live in a place where bats also live. Luckily, bats live in most places. We have a big colony of bats around here. Then you have to get the notion to go look at the bats. This happens when Mommy reads in the newspaper that the local bat researcher gives talks about the bats once a month down by the lake and carries around a little machine that slows down bat speech so it can be heard by humans. Get really excited about the idea. Get even more excited when Mommy says that GoGo (grandpa DH) will meet us there to see the bats too.

Stay up to way past your bed-time before you even leave to see the bats. Finally, about 8:45 pm go down to the lake. Park the car. Wait for the bats to come out.

Talk with a lot of people while you wait. Tell all of them that your are going to see bats. (They know this already because they also are waiting for the bats to come out, but most people play along really nicely.) Have I mentioned that our little town is also the state capital? It is.

Keep waiting. The bats are kind of late tonight.

More waiting. It's not clear the bats read the newspaper article about the bat talk. They may not be coming.

Check out the bat habitat while you wait. Bats eat bugs. Bugs fly around over the lake. Our bats fly 16 miles round trip from where they (mostly) live to the lake every night to feed.

Get really tired. Look at Mommy like she is crazy when she tries to show you a bat flying around. Smile and agree when Mommy says they are really small and really fast. Pretend you see the bat so you can all go home.

In the car on the way home admit that you really didn't see a bat. But Mommy did! Which is very good! And you can look at videos of bats on the computer. Decide to try again in September when dark comes earlier.

PS -- Liam has been being a bat ever since this (sort of lame) outing on Saturday night. He runs around the house "going really fast" and has learned to swim his arms in the air just like bats fly. He demands to be addressed as "bat" as in "that's really fast, bat!"

Water play

2010-07-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

Liam and I stopped and bought a sprinkler on the way home from school/work today. He was super-excited about the idea of running through it, but turned out to be not totally happy that he had to get wet. He'll grow into it I guess. Happy weekend everyone. Boy those 4-day work weeks seem long for some reason.

I love you; I love your hair

2010-07-06T21:36:00.001-07:00

Liam turned 3 a few weeks ago. A summer baby; born on the eve of the solstice. At three he is still a sweet, sweet little boy -- not a baby, he'll tell me, as if I could forget. But also trying to figure out people and what works and what doesn't. He likes his candy-flavored vitamins (what a mistake) and will tell me "I need an extra vitamin; I'm having a rough day" or "I need vitamin to help me." And the fit he has when I explain for the 147th time that vitamins are medicine and he can only have one a day, well, it's something to see. But he rallies and will then try: "Okay Mommy, how about chocolate cookie." Sweet boy; sweet tooth.

The baby boy at three also says, for reasons I do not know: "I love you; I love your hair." He says this most often to Will: I love you Daddy; I love your hair. He repeats things he hears; puts them together in new ways.

He wants to swing high and higher on the swings and will say "I want to remember that this is an airplane." He wants to be friends with Mollie the dog; he wants her to play with him. He starts swimming lessons next week and is beyond excited, although today before bed he said to me "GoGo will stay with me at swimming, right Mommy?" (A: yes, he will be with you the whole time.)

He has decided that he wants to be rocked to sleep again. When he asks for something he thinks I'll say no to he whispers. So when I say: how do you want to go to sleep tonight Liam? He whispers "rock, rock." I don't mind. He's figured out a way to tuck his little head up beside my arm so I can feel it pressing against my lower ribs just where it sat pressing for the whole last trimester of our pregnancy. He snuggles in and sighs and goes straight to sleep.

Sparkler

2010-07-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

Auntie Chris leaves us tomorrow and we're already sad. Actually, I haven't told Liam yet because I'm afraid he will cry and I want to give him as much time as possible not worrying about what he can't change before we tell him. Three is tough that way; so far I think of it as the age of obsession with every little thing, especially worrisome or unwelcome things.

Besides making every single thing nicer and more pleasant just by being around Auntie Chris (with help from Grandpa SuperDave): put in a new sink and new toilet in the bathroom upstairs, replacing the 1902 models (no fooling) that came with the house; powerwashed and primed the fence (Grandma and I helped with that too); assisted with the big yard makeover including all the skilled labor (wisteria trellis; pea trellis) and much of the unskilled; and, all by herself, built the most beautiful patio table and benches ever (photos of this later). She also thought to buy the perfect fireworks, just the right speed for a three-year old, that even got his father out of the house to enjoy himself for a little while.

She never stops helping out in her good-sported-way. As I type she's over at Grandma and Grandpa's helping them let off fireworks with Grandchild K, an only slightly pre-teen boy visiting from California for the week.

PS - yes, Liam's shirt says "next stop, mars." In her spare time, Auntie Chris is a helicopter pilot and a rocket scientist. No fooling.

Swing

2010-07-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

We've been doing a lot of this lately. Auntie Chris made Liam a swing as part of the great yard makeover. She was in charge of all the skilled work. I moved dirt, and wood chips, and gravel.

Happy three-day weekend everyone!

Well, that was strange. . .

2010-07-01T18:57:00.001-07:00

I didn't mean to be gone from this space and from blog-land for almost a month. We've been busy, taken on a big yard clean-up project. Other projects. Work. My sister has been visiting for the past few weeks. At any rate. Hi. I'm going to try to be back here a little bit. I have lots of pictures stored up to share.

Today, as a little gift to you all, I submit the perfect egg to milk ratio for quiche. I made these relatively recently for a friend's spouse who was just dx with breast cancer. (Stupid cancer.) It's easy. You should have a stack of these in the freezer for the next time you don't want to cook.

I believe in all butter pie crust, use your favorite one. I use the Martha Stewart one and it always works. Put it into the tart shells and put them in the fridge to chill while you prepare the fillings. I like tomato, rosemary and feta (pictured). Also bacon, pepper and a little cheese. Other things are good too.

Get the oven ready. You want a 375 degree oven and with a sheet tray large enough to hold all your mini-quiches in the oven heating up. For real, the hot sheet tray is important.

Mix up the eggs and milk. The best ratio is 1/3 cup milk to every egg and mix it up good. I've used a lot of egg to milk ratios over the years, and this is the one that always works. Use 2% milk or better. I use whole milk because we have it on hand for Will. It's not diet food, this stuff. Pour the egg mixture over the fillings. Then, quick, quick, get your filled cold mini-quiches onto your hot sheet pan in the oven. Cook about 30 minutes or until they're done. Don't under cook.The hot sheet pan ensures a brown crispy bottom of the quiche. Essential if you're going to pop these out of the little pans and freeze them to take one-by-one into the office for lunch, which I recommend.

They freeze like a dream and can be thawed in the fridge overnight and heated in a toaster oven or thawed/heated in a microwave.

See you all soon.

Waterfall

2010-06-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

Liam is fascinated with waterfalls. We have a local waterfall/river with a walking path around it that he goes to pretty much once a week.

I don't think I have many pictures of Liam's room here, but as he gets older he likes to play up there more and more. This weekend, the rain being unrelenting, he made his own indoor waterfall from blue blanket and slid down it. Over and over. "Look Mommy! Look! A waterfall!"

Still with the cold here today. . .Liam is much better except for a tendency towards crankiness and a hacking cough. Will has contracted Liam's cold and feels awful: can't catch his breath, terrible cough, O2 sats way down. His PFTs were way down in clinic yesterday, which is always super upsetting, so he's got that going on too. He feels bad enough that he's talking about going back to the hospital tomorrow to be admitted. . .which means he feels pretty bad. We hope today was the bottom of it and he starts to feel better tomorrow.

Waterfall.

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

On this Memorial Day I offer my intentions for a time when veterans can look back on only peaceful service, for the fast and fair resolution of conflicts small and large, and for the safety of those offering their service now. Thank you Auntie Chris and Cousin Caroline! Thank you Dave!

And for all those -- so many, and now more every day -- who have died in conflict and in service, I pray for rest for their souls and comfort for their families.

What are you doing to bring a little peace into your life today?

Liam is much better today and after helping with the flag came inside and then had waffle, strawberry and half an oreo for breakfast. (I was eating a leftover to-die-for cookie bar with my coffee and it's hard to lay down the law about no cookies for breakfast when, well, you're eating one. I went with: "this is a special treat; not for every day." I use this a lot.)

Sick day

2010-05-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

Sick day for the baby boy. He was up all night with a high fever and stuffy nose. All night. Awake and crying for about 15 minutes; then half awake and tossing and turning and whining for another 20; then about 30 minutes or 40 of sleep; then do it over, and over, and over. There's nothing like biting your tongue to keep from giving in to an almost overwhelming urge to tell your child to "stop whining!" at 3:40 in the morning. (I didn't; I was patient.)

Then he went sound to sleep around 5 am and slept pretty much through until 9. So, his day was all screwed up. At 9 we came downstairs to take care of the dog and make a little nest on the sofa, from which we watched Wonder Pets over and over and rested. Sucky (usually limited to only upstairs and only at sleeping time) makes an appearance as do Otter and blue blanket. All the sleepy-time things. He's still stuffy, and has a cruddy cough, but the fever stayed away for most of the afternoon, and he was remarkably cooperative on a trip to the grocery store, and so excited to see Grandma and Grandpa and GG for Sunday dinner. Now asleep again, hopefully for the night. I'm soon to follow.

Thanks everyone for being so sweet about my whining. . .I try to keep it out of this space.

Catch up

2010-05-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to say that I just haven't felt like doing this lately. Things at work are stressful; things at home are pretty unrelenting in a chronic-illness-sucks kind of way; it absolutely will not stop raining outside for love or money and the tomato transplants huddle on the porch and make my idea of a neighborhood tomato tasting party in July seem pretty far fetched, the garden is a disaster; I feel bad about not taking better care of the dog; Liam has yet another cold which makes me worry; it's going to cost about 3x what I thought to paint the house, that is, if we can even find a painter to do it, and the house absolutely must be painted this year; etc.; etc.. It's just a grind and often hard to find anything to notice or enjoy or look forward to most days, or the motivation to look, since, of course those things are out there every day.

So our days go by and like everyone's they are a mix of things, including stolen moments or whole afternoons of peace.

Like the day a week or so ago when Liam started to learn about car engines. He has been asking and asking about them and one Sunday dinner night I finally remembered to suggest that he and both Grandpas and Daddy might like to go out after dinner and see about the engines in the cars. Now we have to discuss where the engine on every car or truck we see. So it goes.